His strength is perfect!

I am sitting here waiting for my VERY early morning cup of coffee to kick in and, i'm wondering where my ramblings will lead me today. My virtual travels have taken me all over, I have met people from different countries and several from this one. My physical travels have taken me as far as the Dallas/Fortworth area and oh boy I had a BLAST!!! I have been seeking God as to where He wants me to go and, what He wants me to do. I have been tugged towards Houston, Texas. I am not sure why but, maybe for the sole reason of saying Houston you have a problem and its ME!!! For now I stay put until I really know what God wants me to do. I continue to seek His will for my life and practice my patience while I am at it. I have to say where I am at today is only by the grace of God, plain and simple, with out God I could have gone down a much different path. I do not remember much of my childhood I blocked a lot out (except the bad memories). I remember my mom telling me how I became saved. I was 5 years old I was a curious child I guess. I refused to accept Jesus until ALL of my questions had been answered and when they were I said come on God its you and me. I have had my struggles over the years and my Tug Of Wars with God and my strong will....(hey that is where my daughter gets it from hmmm) I have witnessed on the streets of  my hometown as a teen, I went on mission trips to Hays, Montana yet, I still struggled. This I believe is why....at the age of 7 I was molested by the man I was named after my Uncle....I felt so ashamed and all alone and scared, I felt I had done something so bad that I DESERVED it. I did NOT tell my parents, I was afraid to. I was afraid they would blame me, or punish me, or think it was my fault so I kept quiet. I got afraid of being alone with my dad he never did anything to me...(except call the nurse a liar when she said he had another girl, and treat me like I was a disappointment to him). From 7 to 11 is a blur to me but, at 11 I met my best friend Reese we were inseparable (well almost). My life started looking up I had a friend and we did so much together yet, I never said a word. I had a paper route when I was a kid...remember those? where kids could actually go out and make money delivering newspapers? I was 12 and it happened again, different person but, it affected me the same way I kept my mouth shut. I was listening to Kenneth Copeland sing He touched me on my cassette walkman (wow I feel old) to this day, I have not been able to listen to that song again. All the old fears and guilt and shame reared their ugly head and I felt lost all over again. When I started High School we had an assembly and it was about sexual abuse. They said 1 in every 4 girls will have been abused by the age of I think it was 12..( I can not quite remember that part) so the row I was in, the girls counted guess who got number 4? They asked, I said oh no not me it has to be one of you...(yes I lied) I did not want them to know how bad I was to deserve it. I just could not say anything.....all the memories popped into my head and well....ALL of them and I relived it again. I changed that day but, my parents did not notice anything was wrong...as usual I put on my strong face and dealt with it like I had my whole life. This time was different though, I had to tell someone, I could NOT keep going...so I told a friend and she suggested I tell our Youth Pastors wife. I did but, I made her promise NOT to tell my parents....she didn't, however, she did say You did nothing wrong, it is not your fault, you did not deserve this. All of that helped, I felt some relief but, the healing did not start. My parents got divorced when I was a Sophomore I felt betrayed by them, lied to by them especially my dad. He had promised that there was NOTHING so big that could not get worked through....he said we will NEVER get divorced.....he left (actually my mom did but...he moved out of state) and did not look back....until years later (give or take a few). I went off to college the one I picked....ok side note here...when anyone told me I HAD to do something...I did the complete opposite. I was told I HAD to take a marriage and family class in High School by my sister, I took Psychology instead...I was told by the same sister, I HAD to Apply at Portland Bible College...I applied to one out of State and got in. so off to Seattle I went....I had never felt more alone in my life yet I had tons of friends....I wanted to die and I tried....something stopped me, I could not end my life (God has a real knack of getting His way). It was sometime in that year of college that my roommate found me on my bed, curled up in a ball, crying please don't touch me, I am sorry, I don't know what I did but, PLEASE don't touch me. I had fallen asleep and dreamed both events ALL over again I felt and heard it ALL! She told me I needed to get counseling, to call my Pastor and talk to him....so I did. He told me the next time I come home, to come see him. When I went home I did go see him, he prayed with me, talked to me, gave me a book called No Longer A Victim and said the words I dreaded to hear...You HAVE GOT to tell your parents....I was 18...I had this secret I have lived with for 11 years and he wanted me to tell my parents?...my Pastor said your healing can not ever be complete if you don't...you kept it from them, it will be a release for you to tell them....He also said you did NOTHING wrong, this is NOT your fault, you did NOTHING to deserve this. I went home and wrote my mom the most heart wrenching letter I had to ever write. Telling her what her brother did to me and what the other guy did to me and all of my feelings and why I said nothing....I also told her I would never talk to her about it, ever because, I just couldn't and DON'T tell dad! I told her to wait until I was gone to read it and I left. I went to my Youth Pastors house and stayed there....mom being mom tracked me down but, I refused to talk to her about it....He was right I felt released it felt good..it got easier to talk about, I started to heal. as the years went on my relationship with my dad began to heal and I finally told him about it. Over the years of my life I have been told on several occasions I had to be strong for the ones around me so, my fears and weaknesses got put on the back burner and bottled up. I had to be strong for everyone else and me too...I am that way in my life now but, I get my strength from someone who will NEVER fail me. God is my strength He will always be there for me in my time of need...The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will exalt Him. Exodus 15:2 (NKJ). People will fail and disappoint but, God is unfailing. No matter what you do His strength is perfect when ours is gone and when we are expected to be strong for everyone around us we can just lean on God and He will lead us in His perfect strength...Let God be your strength...He is mine.

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas