Dear younger me:
I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO????? My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
