It was a dark and stormy night....well It wasn't a dark and stormy night it just sounds good to start with. But, seriously It was dark and stormy in the woman's thoughts, all of the guilt came flooding back in waves that would not slow down or stop. The thoughts of "it is all your fault you should have stopped it" kept repeating themselves over and over....after the week she has had it was not something she needed. Let's start with Tuesday the day of the one on one with the teacher of the class she just finished. She heard him say for the second time "your numbers for depression are high I think...."well I am sure you can guess the rest right?? Numbly she walked out with the thought I have a mental illness and now everyone will know. I will be labeled for life, she screamed in her head I AM NOT MENTAL!!!! the drive home was a blur through the tears. The days following held heaviness, a weight so huge that moving or speaking was a burden but she bore it and slowly moved through the week. Depression a weight that starts in the feet and fills the entire being to overflowing there is no turn off switch. with that on all the time, her anxiety begins to simmer ready to bubble and overflow at any given moment and, bubble it did all through the week. It starts in the stomach and fills the chest and you can't breathe, you can't stop fidgeting and it will not go down, almost like an acid flowing up, the jitters the panic the urge to flee and try to out run the feeling that just won't quit. Finding out her husband had the weekend off didn't help her anxiety it went soaring through the atmosphere. She wondered what she was going to feed him for lunch since he is so picky and refuses to eat what he eats at work during the week silly right?? It's the little things that send her anxiety soaring and only time brings her back to a place of normalcy of sorts. What is normal? she has no idea what normal looks like even if it was right in front of her. Saturday night happens the thoughts start, the dread fills her being, the tears flow once again like an old friend, starting with only one phone call. Her husbands brother who isn't talking to them because of an event that they only found out about two years ago but, the family thinks they knew all along and blames them, has been hospitalized he was there for two weeks. Brother has MS and his body gave out on him, he needs rehab yet the family except good ol dad never contacted them. Her husbands brother, his former best friend is physically going down hill and they were left in the dark and, it is her fault. She should have said no to her daughter staying at Aunty's house she should have protected her, her family, and her husbands relationship with his brother and she FAILED....all the memories of her own abuse came flooding back like a tsunami. The feelings, the thoughts, the guilt, it is all her fault her entire life was her fault. She wants to delete herself from society (not life) and hide herself away. Because it is easier than facing people who will know it is her fault and judge her for not protecting her family. For not keeping them from hurt, harm and pain. Maybe it is a dark and stormy night after all.....she holds it in, she says she is just tired if asked, so no one knows what is really going on in her head. It was a dark and stormy night and she has many dark and stormy days ahead of her. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness knowing there is no one there for her is devastating the temporary help is just that, temporary. She wants to feel better, she wants to hope again she wants the weight she is carrying around to be lifted or at least lightened. She is tired, she hurts in her entire being physically, mentally, emotionally every part of her hurts and is exhausted she just wants to rest.....but, rest does not come so she just keeps going on with no hope in sight. She carries the weight of her friends who come to her and vent and talk and cry and she supports them in their mourning, anger, sadness shoving down everything she is feeling to help them through their trials. She is a good actress, she puts on a good show, she puts on a smile so no one will ever know and when she is alone, all of the weight she is carrying drops like a ton of bricks back on to her. She is so tired she stumbles a bit picks herself up and drags herself on wishing for some peace. But, peace is not for her she still has to go and make dinner.
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
