Tuesday, January 3, 2017

I dreamed about you

Dear Mr. Personality:
I had a dream about you last night. we were talking almost like before  and at one point you clearly said it sounds like you are suffering.....we continued talking and you implied that I could choose to not suffer but, it sounded like I wanted the suffering (who WANTS suffering???) I then told you that you were insufferable....the Merriam Webster dictionary says insufferable means not to be endured. I felt overwhelmed in my dream by you. I was trying to get stuff done and you were right in front of me constantly and I couldn't get anything done.......what happened next was unexpected. Someone I have never met in person showed up with six 40 ounce beers and an open one in her hand this is not usual for the character I see of her on FB and I wanted to tell her something I am hiding very deep inside about you but the person I am used to seeing was very present still and I chose not to.....then I woke up. I don't typically remember dreams only nightmares so to remember this so vividly is almost pleasantly confusing...I keep wondering what happened and imagining things to try to feel better but in reality, it's not real and I can't rely on what I think or wish the reason behind this whole shattering experience is. A thought came to mind that kinda makes sense but again it is me trying to figure things out but it actually brought a sense of peace for the first time since this all started......here is my thought..you had to step aside and not be available for me so I could really get to the healing I need. Talk about a WOW factor for me.....I have no idea if this is even close to accurate but, it makes sense to me somehow and it is like a cloud of heaviness got lighter not gone but, lighter. as for the second part of my dream I am still wondering about it but a thought did come to mind she was someone I do not talk to in person and she had beer. 2 things in which I never do so her role in my dream is possibly this, things are not always as they appear!!!!!! so from that I got this, things I  do not normally do or think about could be harmful and they should be avoided. like I avoided telling her what I wanted to or drinking the beer, it could apply to what ever happened between us as well, I don't know I will have to give it some more thought......you have been on my mind constantly always there never far away and it has kept me from really moving forward because I was stuck.....I can't say it doesn't still hurt because it does, what I can say is this I can't continue to dwell on this it is not doing me any good and it is causing suffering in essence, you are indirectly causing me to suffer......it was like in my dream you pointed it out..I started thinking like a social worker and this is the conclusion I have come to. I want to know the reason but, I have accepted that I will never know the reason I will in reality probably never talk to you again or see you face to face and honestly THAT HURTS!!!!! because I do miss you and our conversations and unless you get the book I am writing you will never know any of this......so I have decided to try and take you from the forefront of my mind and place you in a spot where I can visit you but not be right in front of me......I have been suffering, I have been self-sabotaging, not deliberately but sabotage has been done none the less.  I still don't trust and probably won't again for a really long time if ever, I still feel like I am worthless and have no value but, maybe with time that will change......I have to heal, I will not be able to do what I want if I don't. Healing takes time and I am not a patient person. I can not rely on any one person to bring me any kind of happiness, I have to find that myself. I have to find contentment with me and who I am that may take the rest of my life to do and if it does so be it. I don't want to be true to myself anymore but I have the tattoo forever and I decided maybe I do need to remember that. I do not want to suffer, I want to live but, I admit I am scared to. I felt some sort of grounding with you in all of this but, that all crumbled. I now have to find a place to be grounded that solely relies on me as the anchor, I need to find MY place in this world on my own 2 feet and become my own pillar for support.....Thursday I took the first step to that I went to a support group with people I have never met before I was terrified I barely spoke but, I was there........I will find my own way without you, I wish I could still talk to you but, I get that I won't. I will probably always miss you but, in time I am sure it will get better.....I have thought recently that I would be better off dead and also thought of ways to do it.....IT SCARED THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME!!!!! So I practiced opposite action and didn't!!!! That is a Skill I guess, and you did say I had skills and would always laugh when I would say I don't see them. Do I want to go back to where we once were? well yes and no. yes so we could have the easy light conversations but, no because I need to heal and you are not able to be a part of that......on the flip side of that last part I wish we were still able to talk I had wanted so bad to become your friend (I know it would have never happened but a girl can dream right????) closure would be so nice but, I have to find my own sense of closure and maybe this dream was it.......I have decided I will write to you from time to time (it will go in my book) to tell you what is going on I know you will never see them but it feels like the only way to keep moving on at this point in time....I am writing a book about my journey with depression and my blog posts make up a good part of it because they are what is documenting this journey that you catapulted me into by the way.....I just had hoped you would be able to see me through it and come out on the other side of it. who knows you might be able to still but I do not foresee that happening. I have decided the last chapter of the book will be a letter to you I set a very strict deadline for this book..... when I feel like I am in a place in my life that I feel content I will write the last chapter...you started the book and you will finish the book maybe that will be my way of you seeing me through this journey.....my depression will never go away but when I get to a point in my life that I use skills and can cope without catastrophizing things then I will be in a better place....I have an overactive imagination and that can get me into trouble at times. as for now I am taking it moment by moment and trying to remember to just breathe it is so hard and things just keep getting dumped on me I feel at times like I am suffocating under it all inch by inch I need to slowly climb out I need to fight and fight I will because I still have a lot of fight left in me.

That's my thought for the day,

Still wondering who I am?????


Dear Mr. P:                             12-21-16
 Since you appear to refuse to speak to me this seems to be the only way to communicate with you I am adding a beginning to the already composed letter or blog post which ever you want to call it. I really hope you will “listen” this time if not, then it is what it is and today it really doesn’t seem as important as when I originally wrote it. My life the past few months has gone to hell in a hand basket figuratively or maybe literally, I have not decided which…..Trust……hurts, Hope……hurts, Christmas……hurts…..so I now have NO trust, NO hope and wish I could forget Christmas altogether……Monday my oldest sister passed away unexpectedly and all the anger I had towards her for something so petty and insignificant I will never be able to ask her for forgiveness for. Next week I have to watch my parents bury a child they should not ever have to do, I have to watch my 15 year old nephew bury his mom and finish growing up without her and I have to watch her unborn granddaughter never get to know her…… I have to watch my oldest Nephew and Niece say goodbye far too soon. All that anger I had towards her robbed me from having any kind of good relationship with her…..there were once three now there are two. Anger hurts and I am so tired of hurting. Life is far too short to harbor anger towards anyone because you never know when they will be gone in a blink of an eye……I wanted closure from you, I accept I may not ever get it. I will admit I was angry with you for how things went down but, now I’m not…..I will never get closure with my sister and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life….I accept I may not ever know what I did but please know I am truly sorry for whatever it was and I hope one day you can forgive me for it. I get you will probably not like my delivery method but, I refuse to walk into the clinic and I will not call you. You are not stuck with me and really you never were…..now all that is left are lessons yet to be learned and regret of lessons too late to learn……

Dear Mr. P:                       written Sometime in November

I am not sure you will read this or just toss it but, I need to do it for me and I really don't want to. I promise you won’t be bothered by me again after this. Today is a day I have dreaded for some time now and my heart is heavy and in a million pieces. Today is the day I say goodbye to you, in hopes I can have some sort of closure. I think back to my September trip to Cali and that was the last time the easy going good natured conversation happened. I strongly believe I did something or said something to suddenly bring on a change....no warning, no explanation, just a sudden chill spreading like wildfire through the relationship that had been established. I have tried to get an explanation from you but, I was met with silence. I was told I was not allowed to go back to group, because YOU felt I had gotten all I was going to from it. Yet, I had been told I could go as much as I wanted to in the beginning. You are the one that told me I was in charge of my healthcare but, YOU took that control away from me when you said I couldn't come anymore. In the last one on one you said the groups were full and we could do a weekly check in instead and it wasn't FOREVER but, in fact it was forever and you didn't tell me. I got a lot of easy answers from you and you know full well I HATE easy answers....is that why you never told me why the sudden change??? You couldn't get by with an easy answer so you avoided instead? I looked up to you I thought of you as a mentor, teacher, someone I could learn from and I was hit with cold hard reality that you are indeed just a human (not that I thought you were a super hero or anything). Someone who I once thought was just a kind soul with a tender heart that wanted to help people I now see as someone who may be more like me than I realized and wants to avoid conflict as well. There is a reason for this and I have not been included in the knowledge of what it is.  I saw you outside and just wanted to ask you why?? you said “I can’t see patients outside of the clinic”,  I said I'm not your patient anymore, you then said “I can't see members outside of the clinic” and I walked away so very frustrated.......you then had the evil Stepmother call me to "check" on me I called back after hours and left a message......she called again and here is something that is puzzling to me, EVERYTHING I said  she repeated as if telling someone else in the room with her and then she would pause as if waiting for an answer, she then pressed me for the question that only you could answer.......I am curious about something Mr. P, were you in the room with her as she spoke to me? If you were WHY couldn't you just talk to me yourself?.......I know you were not my counselor Mr. Rogers is and always has been. I felt more like I was talking to a friend and YOU always asked if I wanted to talk I never asked......I know my mistake was trusting you in the first place all trust gets me is hurt....and I am so tired of hurting. I wish I could numb it somehow but, I do not know how to. I was looking forward to talking about my classes with you and calling BS on things I didn't agree with. I looked forward to “picking your brain” I felt like I had purpose and I realize now that it must have all been a lie. I feel so lost and confused right now. There is so much I have wanted to tell you that has happened recently but, I can't.....I was told by the evil Stepmother I could call her and check in if I felt the need to. I informed her I would NEVER impose on the clinic again. I imposed long enough and I would not be calling and that she could tell you that to set your mind at ease.  Here is the thing with me when I loose someone I feel some sort of connection with it takes a long time for me to move even an inch past it....I cannot just brush it aside. When I care, I care with my entire being I feel like I lost my best friend...and yes I know you didn't see me in that way (I was just a lowly patient after all) but, it is how I feel. I am mourning the loss of you and the warmth and acceptance I had or thought I had with you. I will not wear my sweatshirt again ever!!!!!!! I can't even look at it anymore....I really want to carry the warmth and encouragement you gave with me but, I don't think any of it was real and I don't want to carry lies around.......WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME????????? I don't understand!!!! What did I do???? Why did you drop me like a hot potato????? And yes you did drop me like a hot potato…. What is wrong with me???? Am I really that horrible of a person???? Whatever I did I am sorry, I never meant to cause you any discomfort.....In my life I seem to be really good at doing or saying things that drive people away and I don't even know what I did or said......my heart is heavy and shattered, I am burdened with the curiosity of what did I do? I want to fix it but, I know it cannot be fixed. I can speculate about what happened but the cold hard reality is, IT'S NOT THE TRUTH.....I keep getting slapped in the face with I had to have done something, I just don't know what I did...I miss talking to you, I miss making you laugh even if I am not trying to. I know I will probably not ever get any answers, I wish I could. I accept that I am flawed and no good for people in any way except for listening. That seems to be the one skill I haven't lost. I hope someday I can be a good LCSW. I had hoped one day I could have made you proud as I walked across the stage at graduation. I am sure I will never see that day come. My first tattoo acts as a permanent reminder of you and your priceless reaction to it and I will try to treasure it without crying....I am going to work toward my PhD in Social Work, go big or go home. Maybe someday I will see you again but, I cannot allow myself to count on it. Goodbye Mr. P I will forever be sorry…..I will not bother you again I can’t and won’t do that to you. If you so choose to actually give me an answer to my questions I included my number, although I do not expect to ever hear from you, but now you have it just in case.

Forever and Always,

Trouble Maker

Friday, November 25, 2016

What is my purpose???

The last 2 months have been hard on me with intense outpatient therapy, losing my support system, and having my heart shattered into a million pieces to never be the same again.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and we all know left to it's own devices my brain can be a powerful thing. That can sometimes be a good thing and others not so much. Lately, I have been thinking about the people on my healthcare team both past and present. My thoughts??? I have come to the conclusion that I am their paycheck!!!! Yes I said I am their paycheck! Have you ever thought about the fact that they get paid to diagnose and treat and counsel and "care" I use that term a bit (says sarcastically) loosely...do they really care about me as a person? or the fact they have a job and I am it or at least part of it? Do they remember people they have worked with in the past? Or are we easily forgotten like yesterdays news? how about the fact they all say "take care" like a cheap band-aid that will never stay put on the wound it is expected to cover........please don't get me wrong there actually might be some who do the job they do because they ACTUALLY care about the people they work with (I did say might).....I have decided however that I am not worth the effort to be truly cared for, not by the team of people who are loosely dedicated to their paychecks or personally in my lifetime. That has been proven over and over again in my life and more so recently. In January I start school to become an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or a therapist to make it simple) the biggest difference is I won't ever be paid for doing it. I will not be relying on a paycheck for doing what I will be trained to do....I am going to do it because I want to help people. Why? well thanks for asking......because I have decided I am to far beyond help myself!!! So if I can help one person then maybe I won't be a complete failure in my life....I am once again putting my (yes I know some of the words coming next are not exactly in the dictionary according to spell check) unloveable, unworthy, unvaluable self on the back burner (I really wish I never would have gotten that second tattoo) so I can hopefully focus on helping others therefore I can forget about me. I have begun building up my walls again to protect myself. I am mourning the loss of me among other things, I mourn alone and in silence.  I have tried to practice ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy)  I am really struggling with it, so I have decided to give up on it or maybe not "I am having the revelation that I am completely worthless" there I said it, I acknowledged it, now we move on....here is one for you,  me the one who is crazy for Christmas is not wanting anything to do with it at all this year!!!!!!!!!! I am sure that has people wondering The spirit surrounding Christmas the love, joy, peace, giving, HOPE.....hope hurts therefore Christmas hurts too. Maybe I am losing it completely, maybe I am just tired of trying anymore. If I am not worth it to other people, then I know I am not worth it to myself either. This sounds so harsh even to me but, it is where I am at in this moment. I can't see hope, I have no hope but, hope only hurts anyway and I am so tired of hurting. I can't stop my tears so I wear sunglasses a lot lately to hide them. I can't show weakness to anyone not even myself....I am my worst critic, judge, jury and executioner (metaphorically speaking) I asked Mr. Rogers if I could take a long walk off a short pier....He told me NO.... so I obeyed like a puppet going through the motions and stumbling along the way. I do what is expected of me like the good girl I am or known to be......I have lost myself and have no clue who I am anymore or if I will ever be found again. My head is spinning, I feel like I am on a merry go round that is speeding up to the point that I am about to lose my grip and go flying off. But, I have to hold on, I can't let go, I have to be strong, I can't be weak....the confidence people have or had in me is artificial, the skills I have been told I have was a lie. I completely let my guard down and I trusted. Trust hurts so I can trust no one again, I am not even sure I can trust myself anymore. but I have to keep going and put on the best performance of my life. There are people who have worth and value and I have to help them find it since I have none of my own. I have often wondered what my purpose on this planet is....is it to have a miserable existence so others can find hope??? what is the point of my being???? I would never wish this experience on anyone not even my worst enemy....this is mine alone to bear and I bear it in pure silence. I have lost my way, I am a lost cause, there is no hope for me......

That's my thought for the day......
Who am I?

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I'm going to roar......

In life there are choices, actions, words and feelings that I can not control....they are what other people make, do, say and feel. What I can control are my choices, actions, words and feelings (feelings I do not think you can control those most of the time) it can be freeing or restricting. I can not keep feelings from welling up or tears from falling or the heaviness that seems to want to consume me. what I can do is push through them and continue on anyway....that is really hard especially when they seem to want to consume me all the way to my core. I wrote a letter to Mr. Personality and in it I told him that my life is a lesson I will never get from a book and when I get licensed as a social worker I will have real life experience that will hopefully help me to better work with the people I encounter.....BUT, IT'S HARD, in the past few weeks I have to make some choices for me and my life. The choices are not easy ones either but, they need to be made. The song Roar by Katy Perry has become my anthem.....

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now

I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......

It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.

That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Story of my life....

I am in California again, this trip took 25 hours yes I said 25 and 3 near misses I really think I need flashing lights that say hey I'm here don't hit me, I am so thankful I finally made it. I really hope going home is faster and less eventful. I dealt with tons of emotions and feelings that made me want to scream, run, hide and just plain freak out but, I kept them in control....sort of well, ok not really. I hooked my phone to my car and listened to a variety of music some of which made me cry, fortunately I had sunglasses so I think I hid the tears pretty well until the end of the trip.  Here is the thing with tears....I am not allowed to cry it literally pisses the man I am married to off so I hide them as best as I can. The one song that stuck with me is called story of my life by One Direction, I have told lots of things about myself but, I do not think I have told the story of me and who I am. Today I am going to try and start to tell you about me and the journey of discovering who I truly am in a way you have not yet heard before.

As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested  by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way.  I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me)  is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle,  religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.

Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living,  breathing,  feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong?  Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious  society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I  could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
  Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
 Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter.  Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all.  I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.

That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Dear younger me....who am I kidding?

Dear younger me:

I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO?????  My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I don't want to be a Damsel........

So last Thursday I had 3 appointments at Kaiser and a blood draw, those dang vampires they have been leaving bruises lately...I was there about 6 hours total, how fun is that??? I really think I should move there and make it my permanent address. With each visit they all said "Take Care" when I left including Mr. Personality (I am working on training Mr. Personality with that phrase). Take Care is so GENERIC!!! It seriously feels like I am dehumanized (wow that is actually a word???). Just like the word patient (especially when it comes to mental health). It makes me feel like a number or a robot of sorts not a living, breathing, feeling human being. With that said My one on one with Mr. Personality was quite fun. He seemed like a human and not a clinical being for part of it, there was laughter and disapproving noises when something was typed that I didn't like the sound of. He changed around most of it to sound more acceptable (at least to me) very accommodating of him don't you think? I took this one on one more seriously, last time I was a pain in the bahooky because I didn't want to be there. The second class (because group sounds so ewwww) I was introduced as the trouble maker which I was pleased to accept the name (it's official because my name tag says so). I do believe I lived up to the name as best as I knew how especially chapter 3 page 4 twerking HA!!!! So, I fired Snow Miser yay me!!! (Mr. Personality said I could, so blame him if you have an issue....wow he is to blame for quite a bit lately) hopefully the next one I get isn't a Snow Queen. Now you have been updated let's move on....rolling rolling rolling keep those wagons rolling RAWHIDE.....oops wrong era.......King Arthur and the Knights of the round table.......with this journey that I am on both physically and mentally (UGH!!!!) I hate the mental part. I hate all of it really but, the mental part is the worst (oops okay got distracted moving on). I feel like a Damsel in distress, I don't want to feel that way. My entire life has been.....I have to be strong, take care of myself, don't ask for help for anything.....and now I have had to ask for help, it makes me feel weak and I hate that feeling. Lately I have been thinking I am not the Damsel, I am the Knight but, I have lost my armor and I got kicked off my jackass and it stuck it's tongue out at me as it ran away. I have been left vulnerable, weak, scared, hopeless. tired, and stranded (dang donkey anyway). In this journey I have to find my armor piece by piece the tattoo is one piece, my healthcare team is another piece (if I can find the right combo I really hate firing people), having support (for me that is a really hard one I feel like I only have one) is a very weak piece but, it is part of my armor nonetheless. My armor is not complete and may never be complete it is dented, full of holes and dull but, it's mine.  I will continue on my way. I may lose pieces of my armor and get thrown off my noble steed (who am I kidding I will always have a jackass I would love a nice stallion though) again and again but, in time I will get back up and try again. I am not perfect I do not want to be BUT, (and this is a really big one) I DON'T want to stay where I am at. I may take 2 steps forward and 1000 steps back but (not so big this time), when I take the next 2 steps I will only be 998 steps behind.....hopefully when I am 1000 steps back I can remember that 998 is better than 1000. I am human after all and probably will not remember that but, one can hope right???  Everyone's armor will be different, not one will be the same, some will have better armor and some will have worse. Each life is different, each person's needs are unique only to them. There may be similarities in life, armor, situations, steeds (hey I can't be the only one stuck with a donkey can I?) but, not one exactly the same. Do I wish for a full set of shiny, protective armor? you bet, will I get it??? who knows only time will tell. In the mean time as I search for my scattered armor and I get thrown from my jackass, I may lose sight of my goals, I really hope there will be someone to help me up and remind me to dust myself off and keep moving (rolling rolling rolling.....oh never mind)........I may be a female Knight and I am okay with that because, only I can change my life no one else can. I don't want to be a damsel in distress, I may be weak but, I am not helpless, I may not have all of my armor making me vulnerable to the dragons life throws at me but, as long as my donkey comes back and I can move forward I really think I will be okay......because I say so not Mr. Personality because, he doesn't know (and I thought he knew everything).......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas