It Is What It Is!!!

Everything bad that has happened in her life she believes is her fault, She can not outrun the "bad" luck that seems to have become the norm for her, someone once said if she didn't have bad luck she wouldn't have any luck at all. It is her fault her family is falling apart and her husband can't be with his brother....she feels like the weight she carries will never lighten, the loneliness she feels will never fade, the deep sadness that engulfs her entire being that entraps her with only a glimpse of laughter every so often will never release her. Taking deep breaths to manage each day she barley manages.....tears flow often she tries to hide them, she can not show the weakness that wants to show itself to the world, she must stay strong, she can not budge and when she does it flows like a flooded river and she apologizes for the weakness she has shown. Her strength is weakening and she is scared she can not show what she is holding inside, the lifetime of strength she has been forced to have seems to be caving in. she can not bare the judgement she is sure to face if she shows how much she hurts. She feels invisible unless something is needed, then she is acknowledged and when it's done she becomes invisible once more. She never dreamed her life would be like this, she never dreamed she would feel so alone, she never dreamed she would want to hide from those who claim to love her. Never in her life did she think she would want to escape her surroundings she feels so trapped....but hey It is what it is right??? She feels vulnerable and broken. she feels like the pot on the wheel that the potter is trimming, the very tool that is used to reveal something beautiful can break and damage the pot, it can be repaired but it will never be the same.....but hey It is what it is right???  Once the social butterfly she is now afraid to socialize, she doesn't fit in, she wants to run and hide, she places a smile on her face that doesn't reach her eyes but, no one seems to notice and she keeps limping on with her life. Her mind doesn't shut off it is constantly filled with your life is your fault and what if's but the reality of it all is, her life......is what it is and there is no changing it, she is stuck in a place and if she could only reach the hand that is being offered maybe one day she will be ok but for now it is what it is.....She feels like an alien going out in public she only goes when necessary she used to enjoy being out but now she just wants to hide. She dreamed once of a fairy tale life but that dream like all the others was crushed with reality and now she doesn't dare to dream at all for fear they will turn to nightmares but hey it is what it is right???  She stays in the shadows instead of the sun she keeps to herself most of the time there is a brief moment where she dares to show the person who is hiding inside but those are the times she feels most vulnerable and is really afraid and really wants to hide. Let's be honest here instead of saying she I really mean me......but hey it is what it is right???

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

A Few Days In The Life Of Her

It was a dark and stormy night....well It wasn't a dark and stormy night it just sounds good to start with. But, seriously It was dark and stormy in the woman's thoughts, all of the guilt came flooding back in waves that would not slow down or stop. The thoughts of "it is all your fault you should have stopped it" kept repeating themselves over and over....after the week she has had it was not something she needed. Let's start with Tuesday the day of the one on one with the teacher of the class she just finished.  She heard him say for the second time  "your numbers for depression are high I think...."well I am sure you can guess the rest right?? Numbly she walked out with the thought I have a mental illness and now everyone will know. I will be labeled for life, she screamed in her head I AM NOT MENTAL!!!! the drive home was a blur through the tears. The days following held heaviness, a weight so huge that moving or speaking was a burden but she bore it and slowly moved through the week. Depression a weight that starts in the feet and fills the entire being to overflowing there is no turn off switch. with that on all the time, her anxiety begins to simmer ready to bubble and overflow at any given moment and, bubble it did all through the week. It starts in the stomach and fills the chest and you can't breathe, you can't stop fidgeting and it will not go down, almost like an acid flowing up, the jitters the panic the urge to flee and try to out run the feeling that just won't quit. Finding out her husband had the weekend off didn't help her anxiety it went soaring through the atmosphere. She wondered what she was going to feed him for lunch since he is so picky and refuses to eat what he eats at work during the week silly right?? It's the little things that send her anxiety soaring and only time brings her back to a place of normalcy of sorts. What is normal? she has no idea what normal looks like even if it was right in front of her. Saturday night happens the thoughts start, the dread fills her being, the tears flow once again like an old friend, starting with only one phone call. Her husbands brother who isn't talking to them because of an event that they only found out about two years ago but, the family thinks they knew all along and  blames them, has been hospitalized he was there for two weeks. Brother has MS and his body gave out on him, he needs rehab yet the family except good ol dad never contacted them. Her husbands brother, his former best friend is physically going down hill and they were left in the dark and, it is her fault. She should have said no to her daughter staying at Aunty's house she should have protected her, her family, and her husbands relationship with his brother and she FAILED....all the memories of her own abuse came flooding back like a tsunami. The feelings, the thoughts, the guilt, it is all her fault her entire life was her fault. She wants to delete herself from society (not life) and hide herself away. Because it is easier than facing people who will know it is her fault and judge her for not protecting her family. For not keeping them from hurt, harm and pain. Maybe it is a dark and stormy night after all.....she holds it in, she says she is just tired if asked, so no one knows what is really going on in her head. It was a dark and stormy night and she has many dark and stormy days ahead of her. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness knowing there is no one there for her is devastating the temporary help is just that, temporary. She wants to feel better, she wants to hope again she wants the weight she is carrying around to be lifted or at least lightened. She is tired, she hurts in her entire being physically, mentally, emotionally every part of her hurts and is exhausted she just wants to rest.....but, rest does not come so she just keeps going on with no hope in sight. She carries  the weight of her friends who come to her and vent and talk and cry and she supports them in their mourning, anger, sadness shoving down everything she is feeling to help them through their trials. She is a good actress, she puts on a good show, she puts on a smile so no one will ever know and when she is alone, all of the weight she is carrying drops like a ton of bricks back on to her. She is so tired she stumbles a bit picks herself up and drags herself on wishing for some peace. But, peace is not for her she still has to go and make dinner.

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

Good Friday to you

As I sit here early in the morning drinking my coffee having said goodbye to my husband as he goes off to work I realized that on this Good Friday we're on the brink of Easter. Easter is one of those times of year where twice a year Christians go to church, people do Easter eggs, and believe in the Easter Bunny. But it's not about the Easter Bunny or the eggs or getting all dressed up or anything like that it's about our Savior the one who died on the cross for our sins the one who rose again in three days someone who took it all upon Himself so we didn't have to. It's also about learning a time of forgiveness. forgiveness of people who have hurt you who've wronged you who've done things that have offended you, but it's also a time of reflection of our Lives.  I just want to encourage everyone to kind of Step Back From what they are doing for their normal right now and just reflect and look at their life and see exactly where it needs to go, our world is becoming a very very sad place to live, it's not the same as it used to be. The foundations that our country had been founded on his is gone by the wayside and it's scary but, there is one true hope, one true inspiration that we can grasp onto. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life John 3:16 one of the very first Bible verses that I ever learned one of my favorites. I'm not saying we're going to have a perfect world, I'm not saying that we're going to instantly forgive the hurts that have been done to us, I'm not saying that we're going to be able to just forget everything that has happened in our lives but, those are Stepping Stones those are ways to go towards a goal and it's not going to be easy no one promised life would ever be easy, no one promised that everything would just be perfect. I'm going through a situation right now where I live where I have provided something to simplify the lives of everyone around here and I've been taking advantage of I have been talked to rudely  and I'm tired so I've decided that I'm not going to provide that anymore it is an inconvenience for me but I'm not going to do it anymore. And someone got angry with me yesterday when they found out what I had done. they told me that it wasn't a very Christian thing to do and I'm not trying to do it to be rude or disrespectful but I told her I said even Jesus turned over the money tables and the temple and she said you're not Jesus and this is not a temple! she's right I'm not I would never claim to be and this is definitely not a temple  I'm not saying that I'm just like that or my situation is like that but even Jesus had a point where he said enough was enough and I feel okay with my decision yes I'm angry because of how people have disrespected it but I will get past that and I will move forward and so I'm reflecting on my decisions I'm reflecting on my life I'm reflecting on my situation and I know it's going to be ok. And there's been many times where I've had to stop myself and say what would Jesus do in this situation and I will admit that I haven't always responded the way Jesus probably would and I'm guilty of that but I'm striving to try to live my life the way Jesus would but, I am human, I do make mistakes and I do make choices that may not always be right. fortunately I have a merciful loving God who will forgive me and help carry me through the times that I can't so I'm thankful this Easter for God's love, for His gift for Jesus and I just hope that you guys can find Hope and peace and love and strength and joy in the situation that you're in I encourage you to turn to God get on your knees and cry out to him if you need to but there is hope happy Easter everyone!

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

The Struggle is Real.......

The struggle is real..........in everyday life everyone has them and yet sometimes we think our struggles are so much more overwhelming and stressful than the next persons. That is not true........
The struggle is real, the fact that you see your child go through something you can not fix or help with, The struggle is real when you feel guilt, like a failure, like you do not matter. The struggle is real when your child's anger is solely directed at you do to circumstances that no one asked for. The struggle is real, when there is so much hurt, and sadness surrounding the family that each one has to deal with on their own. The struggle is real when your heart shatters in to a gazillion pieces when you see a parent bury their child even more so if it is your friend. The struggle is real when you see people get literally handed almost everything because they play the system and lie, yet your family is barely making it because the income is to high and I refuse to put my sob story out there for the sake of my family. The struggle is real when you have to hold things in and say you are peachy because there is nothing anyone can do to help so you do not burden them with what is going on. The struggle is real when one of your best friends hubby can no longer work because a tree fell on him and they have to fight for disability and I want to help them so much but my hands are tied. The struggle is real for every one but, in a different way. when we see people, we do not know what their life is like, we have no clue what hurts they are hiding, we do not know the fear or sadness or anything about them yet their struggle is real to them, We can not judge them it is not our place to. The struggle is real when something you have been taught to believe in your entire life something to trust in and you struggle with that. Yet believe I continue to do because I do not know anything else to do and the one constant that has NEVER changed has been God and even though my struggle is real He will carry me through it. Even when I struggle with Him. All the heartache, suffering, sadness, pain, depression all of it the struggle is real but the one Hope I have seen in my life more often than not is still there, The struggle is real when your child questions your faith and whether or not it is the right one for them and the piercing sound of my heart shattering once again is very loud in my oh so hard of hearing ears. The struggle is real when you have something within your reach yet it is so far away. No one ever said life was fair, easy or always fun and God did not ever promise not to give us more than we can handle because He will give us a lot more just for us to lean on Him. we have to learn to do that but like I said The struggle is real............


That Is My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

Happy New Year

Hey Hey all it has been quite the year, I know I have not posted much at all but, I could not let the year end without one more post.

I will admit I have seen and felt so much this past year anywhere from depression to through the roof anxiety to feeling some actual peace, joy and love. amongst some anger and deep dislike and unforgiveness. I have learned lessons, made mistakes, been disappointed  had some hope and had hopes crushed. I have had people come and people go in my life I have spoke my mind and cringed to avoid a fight all in all there has been one constant, steady, never changing grace in my life, God! I have cried out to Him, Yelled at Him, worshiped Him and trusted Him through EVERYTHING this year has thrown at me. God has kept me mostly steady I wobbled in doubt a few times but I kept on going forward. Tripping over my mishaps I got back up and kept going. This year brings promise and Hope I am sure there will be trials but, I am optimistic those trials will not break me or make me because God has already made me and as long as I follow and live my best for Him I may crack, trip, hit walls but, I will not break. as we say goodbye to 2015 and hello to 2016 keep in mind you have a support who will carry you when needed and when we meet this time next year I pray you look back on blessings and lessons learned and ring in the next year with a smile. May God see you through, May you have many Blessings, May you find the right path, May you  see love, joy, peace and grace in the coming year Happy New Year!!!
 The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy For Christmas

How do you fix the broken?

How do you fix broken when the broken can't be fixed? The 14th of this month marks one year since the world my family knew came spiraling down and out of control and we became surrounded with pain, heartache, and an over whelming since of failure (well on my part at least.) It is almost like we are in a tug o war with ourselves and the family around us. One side believes one thing and we know the other. Families torn apart and broken.  Hence how do you fix broken when the broken can't be fixed??? No amount of human trying will fix the unfixable but, there is One who can BUT, it is only in His time and not ours and as a human, sinner, mother, and imperfect being, waiting is not my strong suit. To be honest I am not sure I want it to be fixed except, for my husbands sake maybe one relationship could be. Am I wrong? Probably and that is mine alone to take and deal with. I can not change what happened or fix the brokenness that is here, we are still dealing and trying to move forward we have had so many struggles in the last year and I am sure we will face more in the months to come....we are in a grieving stage of sorts not the grieving one would expect but grieving none the less. I am tired so very tired and I am not sure how much longer I can keep moving forward on my own....the one thing I do know is this even though I feel all alone I know that God has not left my side. He is walking with me and when I can't seem to take the next step He picks my foot up and moves it forward. I live my life one day at a time. I was diagnosed with an anxiety from a counselor, I never thought I had anything like that on top of everything else now that is added to it. I put one foot in front of the other and when I can't God walks for me. I can't fix the broken but, God can I hope He fixes me soon. May God bless your life and every step you take and when the times get tough and you feel broken let God in and fix the brokenness inside you.

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

Two words, a smile and a choice.......

As we close the month of November and start the last month of 2014 there is a slight difference to this season in life. There feels like something hanging over the Christmas season and I think we need to figure out a way to change things up and get Merry and Bright for the season of Jesus's birth. Thinking over the last 11 months it started out ok but it went spiraling out of whack about 4 months into it for my family and we have been off our game....I have been off my game the one who runs things, runs the taxi service, maid service, cook, nurse, teacher and the one who gets the blame for ruining my kids lives because I said no oh my, I am off my game. I have disconnected from family, friends true ones and so called ones, and I will admit my church as well....I still go but I feel out of place me the social butterfly and I avoid social situations....I am off my game. I do not know when I will get back to my game but, I know Christmas is a season of love, peace, hope, giving, caring, sharing and a heaviness is hanging on like an icicle hanging on to the eves of a house in 10 below weather. so how about we do this We smile everyday even if we do not feel like it, we decide to have a good day and tell people Merry Christmas if we can do that maybe the joy of Christmas will spread like wild fire across our nation, our world. There may be just one person who needs that smile to give them hope in what may seem like a hopeless time, maybe the Merry Christmas will help someone know there is good in this world because a kind person actually spoke to them. Pay it forward sometime buy someones coffee or food at a drive through just to give them a gift. the little things we do can have a big effect on someones life and bring them some light in what otherwise may be a dark life. keep it in mind Merry Christmas it is just two words, a smile and a choice...

That's my thought for the day,

Peachy but, Crazy for Christmas