I'm going to roar......

In life there are choices, actions, words and feelings that I can not control....they are what other people make, do, say and feel. What I can control are my choices, actions, words and feelings (feelings I do not think you can control those most of the time) it can be freeing or restricting. I can not keep feelings from welling up or tears from falling or the heaviness that seems to want to consume me. what I can do is push through them and continue on anyway....that is really hard especially when they seem to want to consume me all the way to my core. I wrote a letter to Mr. Personality and in it I told him that my life is a lesson I will never get from a book and when I get licensed as a social worker I will have real life experience that will hopefully help me to better work with the people I encounter.....BUT, IT'S HARD, in the past few weeks I have to make some choices for me and my life. The choices are not easy ones either but, they need to be made. The song Roar by Katy Perry has become my anthem.....

Roar
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now

I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......

It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.

That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas