In life there are choices, actions, words and feelings that I can not control....they are what other people make, do, say and feel. What I can control are my choices, actions, words and feelings (feelings I do not think you can control those most of the time) it can be freeing or restricting. I can not keep feelings from welling up or tears from falling or the heaviness that seems to want to consume me. what I can do is push through them and continue on anyway....that is really hard especially when they seem to want to consume me all the way to my core. I wrote a letter to Mr. Personality and in it I told him that my life is a lesson I will never get from a book and when I get licensed as a social worker I will have real life experience that will hopefully help me to better work with the people I encounter.....BUT, IT'S HARD, in the past few weeks I have to make some choices for me and my life. The choices are not easy ones either but, they need to be made. The song Roar by Katy Perry has become my anthem.....
Roar
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now
I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......
It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
The Story of my life....
I am in California again, this trip took 25 hours yes I said 25 and 3 near misses I really think I need flashing lights that say hey I'm here don't hit me, I am so thankful I finally made it. I really hope going home is faster and less eventful. I dealt with tons of emotions and feelings that made me want to scream, run, hide and just plain freak out but, I kept them in control....sort of well, ok not really. I hooked my phone to my car and listened to a variety of music some of which made me cry, fortunately I had sunglasses so I think I hid the tears pretty well until the end of the trip. Here is the thing with tears....I am not allowed to cry it literally pisses the man I am married to off so I hide them as best as I can. The one song that stuck with me is called story of my life by One Direction, I have told lots of things about myself but, I do not think I have told the story of me and who I am. Today I am going to try and start to tell you about me and the journey of discovering who I truly am in a way you have not yet heard before.
As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way. I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me) is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle, religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.
Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living, breathing, feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong? Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter. Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all. I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way. I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me) is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle, religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.
Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living, breathing, feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong? Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter. Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all. I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
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