I don't want to be a Damsel........

So last Thursday I had 3 appointments at Kaiser and a blood draw, those dang vampires they have been leaving bruises lately...I was there about 6 hours total, how fun is that??? I really think I should move there and make it my permanent address. With each visit, they all said "Take Care" when I left including Mr. Personality (I am working on training Mr. Personality with that phrase). Take Care is so GENERIC!!! It seriously feels like I am dehumanized (wow that is actually a word???). Just like the word patient (especially when it comes to mental health). It makes me feel like a number or a robot of sorts, not a living, breathing, feeling human being. With that said My one on one with Mr. Personality was quite fun. He seemed like a human and not a clinical being for part of it, there was laughter and disapproving noises when something was typed that I didn't like the sound of. He changed around most of it to sound more acceptable (at least to me) very accommodating of him don't you think? I took this one on one more seriously, last time I was a pain in the bahookie because I didn't want to be there. The second class (because group sounds so Ewwww) I was introduced as the troublemaker which I was pleased to accept the name (it's official because my name tag says so). I do believe I lived up to the name as best as I knew how especially chapter 3 page 4 twerking HA!!!! So, I fired Snow Miser yay me!!! (Mr. Personality said I could, so blame him if you have an issue....wow he is to blame for quite a bit lately) hopefully, the next one I get isn't a Snow Queen. Now you have been updated let's move on....rolling rolling rolling keep those wagons rolling RAWHIDE.....oops wrong era.......King Arthur and the Knights of the round table.......with this journey that I am on both physically and mentally (UGH!!!!) I hate the mental part. I hate all of it really but, the mental part is the worst (oops okay got distracted moving on). I feel like a Damsel in distress, I don't want to feel that way. My entire life has been.....I have to be strong, take care of myself, don't ask for help for anything.....and now I have had to ask for help, it makes me feel weak and I hate that feeling. Lately, I have been thinking I am not the Damsel, I am the Knight but, I have lost my armor and I got kicked off my jackass and it stuck it's tongue out at me as it ran away. I have been left vulnerable, weak, scared, hopeless. tired, and stranded (dang donkey anyway). In this journey I have to find my armor piece by piece the tattoo is one piece, my healthcare team is another piece (if I can find the right combo I really hate firing people), having support (for me that is a really hard one I feel like I only have one) is a very weak piece but, it is part of my armor nonetheless. My armor is not complete and may never be complete it is dented, full of holes and dull but, it's mine.  I will continue on my way. I may lose pieces of my armor and get thrown off my noble steed (who am I kidding I will always have a jackass I would love a nice stallion though) again and again but, in time I will get back up and try again. I am not perfect I do not want to be BUT, (and this is a really big one) I DON'T want to stay where I am at. I may take 2 steps forward and 1000 steps back but (not so big this time), when I take the next 2 steps I will only be 998 steps behind.....hopefully when I am 1000 steps back I can remember that 998 is better than 1000. I am human after all and probably will not remember that but, one can hope right???  Everyone's armor will be different, not one will be the same, some will have better armor and some will have worse. Each life is different, each person's needs are unique only to them. There may be similarities in life, armor, situations, steeds (hey I can't be the only one stuck with a donkey can I?) but, not one exactly the same. Do I wish for a full set of shiny, protective armor? you bet, will I get it??? who knows only time will tell. In the meantime as I search for my scattered armor and I get thrown from my jackass, I may lose sight of my goals, I really hope there will be someone to help me up and remind me to dust myself off and keep moving (rolling rolling rolling.....oh never mind)........I may be a female Knight and I am okay with that because only I can change my life no one else can. I don't want to be a damsel in distress, I may be weak but, I am not helpless, I may not have all of my armor making me vulnerable to the dragons life throws at me but, as long as my donkey comes back and I can move forward I really think I will be okay......because I say so not Mr. Personality because he doesn't know (and I thought he knew everything).......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

2 steps forward 1000 steps back.....

I went to California to, watch my daughter graduate, once a drug addict now she is a High School graduate. She is going to college and doing so good, I am so proud of her. I do not take vacations period!!!! they never fit my schedule but, I needed this one and honestly, I wish I could have stayed.....now, I wish to hide in a hole.........rewind to the Friday before I left......I ran into someone I knew and she did not recognize me without my glasses and the first thing out of her mouth...OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I wanted to smack her and she kept saying it all through our conversation. Here is the thing, I DO NOT think I am beautiful!!!! I think I am rather.......hideous for lack of a better word we will get to that in a bit maybe or maybe not. I shook my head and said my goodbyes and went home and went to bed. I literally slept the entire weekend except for when we went out for my son's birthday and Church...what kind of mother am I to not want to celebrate my son's birthday???? I can tell you I am not up for mother of the year. Speaking of Church...I was told I was pretty, again I wanted to smack the lady who said it but, I just shook my head and got out of there as fast as I could. Let's go to Tuesday, May, 31 the day we leave. I am up at 3 a.m. because of pain and my oh so thoughtful or not so thoughtful brain. I start the day in not so good a mood. Taking my oh so graceful daughter to the fracture clinic because she decided to go down a hill on a longboard and fracture her growth plate in her foot yay her!!!! We get back to town have a blowout and no lug wrench or jack yay me!!!!! Hey this girl can change a tire but not without a lug wrench or jack.....a nice guy comes and changes the tire for me, and with a not so quick trip to Les Schwab and $130.00 later I have 2 new tires on my car (ya so not taking that one to Cali). Ahhhh now on to the phone call with my intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend (I use friend because it sounds better you know the one I described last time) and I freak out and open Pandora's box well sorta, maybe or well maybe not...He said I need to change my thought process okay I get it I am having the thought that I am not beautiful and the voice in my head says YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!! trying to tell my head to shut up is a rather difficult thing to do, it doesn't listen to well. He says maybe you are beautiful.......and the not so nice voice in my head says what does he know???? (I promise I have been told I am not crazy...I am my own worst critic). So my conversation continues on with get something you can touch, feel, hold, look at....to put in your "toolbox" to bring ummmmm a calm or peace you get the picture right???? I thought and thought and could not think of one thing to get and trust me I have enough stuff in my purse I do not need more things to remember........okay fast forward to later in the afternoon, we get the rental car, I drive 8 hours, stop in Redding to sleep at 2:30 am 23 1/2 hours AFTER  I wake up and sleep for....2 hours.....Moving on we get to where we are going and the talk of sister tattoos comes up for the girls. I say hell no I am so not doing that EVER!!!!!! I hate needles, then a nice voice comes in and says something to look at, touch...... get it?? I got a TATTOO and it is all HIS fault. Fast forward to Monday  the day after I drive 15 hours, this is when things get interesting I see the Dr. here is the gist of the conversation
 Dr.~ you have metal in your back, have you been shot???
Me~ WHAT??? NO I have never been shot or stabbed, I had 2 C-Sections could it be a needle???
Dr.~ no they are too thick to break
Me~ I have an alien........
Dr.~ go get an x-ray
this was Monday the 6th
Wednesday the 8th
Dr.~ it's metallic it looks like a needle, the surgeons do not want to remove it because it will cause more pain flares for you.
Me~ my first C-Section was in 98 my second in 01
Dr.~ oh crap that was a long time ago
Me~ yep
And people wonder why I am scared of needles oi!!!! I am guessing it happened when they stuck me like 10 times to numb me when my daughter was born. That same Monday visit he moves me around and IT HURTS!!!! According to the Dr,. I am hypersensitive to pain!!!! YAY ME! or not so much......
 Okay so changing the subject sort of, I have 3 people who are supposed to "help" me an intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend, a therapist and a psychiatrist I have nicknames for all of them the therapist I call Mr. Rogers he totally reminds me of him, the psychiatrist I call snow miser I will get to that in a bit and the intriguing....(you get it) I call Mr. Personality out of the 3 can you guess which one I prefer??? yep, Mr. Personality.  I was on cloud 9 when I saw Mr. Personality on Tuesday right before I saw Snow Miser. I told him I put a twist to his suggestion for my toolbox and showed him the tattoo the look on his face was priceless and so worth it!!! He thought I was going to show him a rock. He did get clinical and asked how I felt about it and I told him I felt good. I also told him some people thought I had gone off the deep end, his response??? Good, maybe they need to worry about you....(totally paraphrasing this, it was last week after all). Now on to Snow Miser, he pushed me off my cloud!!!!!!!!  I have not been able to get back up to it again...I felt like I was facing a bigger dragon with bigger teeth, I felt glued to the chair and my legs were like cement......I felt like I was talking to a block of ice.....shaking his hand gave me frostbite. Mr. Personality is clinical...Snow Miser is a 1000 times more clinical. He asked about my life and I kept hearing how unfortunate...I separated myself from the situation and just answered his questions I felt numb. I told him my biggest mistake in my life was not dying when I was born...his response ya I read that in the notes.......I felt defeated and I still do. This has sent me spiraling backward and I am so dizzy from it I can not seem to stop spinning. The thoughts that keep going through my head......my life is unfortunate and they will not go away. Oh, I am not quite done there is more........Thursday someone stops by to see the tattoos that no one seems to think are real. I was told I have such a bubbly personality that they love to spend time with me. I asked why do people like me so much???? I do not show people everything that is going on and they said......."You are the true definition of beauty it comes from inside you, you are truly beautiful inside and out and that is why people like you"....can I say I had to work really hard to not punch him and I had to literally choke out the 2 little words THANK YOU!!! To me, they were not so little and they were the hardest thing to say. I was asked by Mr. Personality why I think I am not beautiful and I said because the 5 most important men in my life left me so there is obviously something wrong with me......2 steps forward 1000 steps back my life is unfortunate......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas