Worthless, failure, undeserving, unlovable, disposable, waste of space, screw up, waste of time, and not good enough.
This is the story my brain is telling me. This is what I believe. No matter what anyone says that might be good about me, this is my truth......notice I said truth without a capital T. Dr. Steven Hayes developed Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) the basic gist of it is....(I am paraphrasing here) I am having the thought/feeling that I am (insert said thought/feeling) it is just a thought/feeling it is not, wait for it......Truth with a capital T. I accept that thought/feeling, I do not like it but it is there, I acknowledge it, and move on....sounds easy right? Ya......not so much. As humans, we get caught up in retelling the story. It is kind of like a really good movie you can not get enough of. One you watch over and over again to the point, you may actually know the lines word for word. This story in my brain keeps replaying, and I know every line word for word. Sadly, this has an effect on relationships. In some cases I am so worried I am going to mess up I try to be perfect ( I am talking about a specific one here) and I end up messing up anyway. I recently messed up and it may have just cost me someone I love very much. No details will be given, however, in some cases the circumstances for the loss some might think is silly. Thinking it is silly is invalidating. The person has real feelings about this and no one has the right to question that. There are two sides to the story, I have mine and they have theirs both have created very real, very valid feelings. How we deal with the feelings is on us, that will dictate the outcome....I am still waiting for the ax to drop so to speak and my heart is broken.
Sometimes my story slows down and gets muted It is still playing and always present, but it is not as loud. In cases, like I mentioned above the volume gets turned on full blast and it becomes consuming. While in the midst of the story my t becomes capitalized, I find it difficult to shut it down and reduce it back to lower case. This is my TRUTH in the moment, The reality of it is (alert, wise mind coming) my truth is not fact.
How does one change the narrative? good question one I would love to know the answer to. Some suggestions (or maybe just 1) I have heard are, to speak affirmations to yourself....say whaaat? that feels so uncomfortable to say positive things to myself it feels, wait for it.....like I am lying to myself! Shut the front door!! What? Really? so I am more comfortable lying to myself with the negative narrative than I am saying positive things? Yup, that is about right.....We get so wrapped up in our own story we do not see what others see. In some cases (speaking from my own experience) we have lived the story we see as truth. It can come from negative childhood experiences or relationships as teens and adults. We get conditioned to think badly about ourselves that it becomes our truth. Without the consistency of positive conditioning and sometimes with it, changing the beliefs we hold is difficult and sometimes impossible. However, if there is someone who lifts you up try as hard as it may be, to believe them. they are telling a different truth and it may be with a capital T.
What t is your truth? is it fact and capitalized? or is it lower case and negative? that is something only you can decide. I would like to encourage anyone who is struggling to reach out to someone, you are not alone in this I can promise you that.
That's My Thought For The Day,
Heartbroken and Still Wondering.
