What T Is Your Truth?

Worthless, failure, undeserving, unlovable, disposable, waste of space, screw up, waste of time, and not good enough.

This is the story my brain is telling me. This is what I believe. No matter what anyone says that might be good about me, this is my truth......notice I said truth without a capital T.  Dr. Steven Hayes developed Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) the basic gist of it is....(I am paraphrasing here) I am having the thought/feeling that I am (insert said thought/feeling) it is just a thought/feeling it is not, wait for it......Truth with a capital T. I accept that thought/feeling, I do not like it but it is there, I acknowledge it, and move on....sounds easy right? Ya......not so much. As humans, we get caught up in retelling the story. It is kind of like a really good movie you can not get enough of. One you watch over and over again to the point, you may actually know the lines word for word. This story in my brain keeps replaying, and I know every line word for word. Sadly, this has an effect on relationships. In some cases I am so worried I am going to mess up I try to be perfect ( I am talking about a specific one here) and I end up messing up anyway. I recently messed up and it may have just cost me someone I love very much. No details will be given, however, in some cases the circumstances for the loss some might think is silly. Thinking it is silly is invalidating. The person has real feelings about this and no one has the right to question that. There are two sides to the story, I have mine and they have theirs both have created very real, very valid feelings. How we deal with the feelings is on us, that will dictate the outcome....I am still waiting for the ax to drop so to speak and my heart is broken.

Sometimes my story slows down and gets muted It is still playing and always present, but it is not as loud. In cases, like I mentioned above the volume gets turned on full blast and it becomes consuming. While in the midst of the story my t becomes capitalized, I find it difficult to shut it down and reduce it back to lower case. This is my TRUTH in the moment, The reality of it is (alert, wise mind coming) my truth is not fact. 

How does one change the narrative? good question one I would love to know the answer to. Some suggestions (or maybe just 1) I have heard are, to speak affirmations to yourself....say whaaat? that feels so uncomfortable to say positive things to myself it feels, wait for it.....like I am lying to myself! Shut the front door!! What? Really? so I am more comfortable lying to myself with the negative narrative than I am saying positive things? Yup, that is about right.....We get so wrapped up in our own story we do not see what others see. In some cases (speaking from my own experience) we have lived the story we see as truth. It can come from negative childhood experiences or relationships as teens and adults. We get conditioned to think badly about ourselves that it becomes our truth. Without the consistency of positive conditioning and sometimes with it, changing the beliefs we hold is difficult and sometimes impossible. However, if there is someone who lifts you up try as hard as it may be, to believe them. they are telling a different truth and it may be with a capital T. 

What t is your truth? is it fact and capitalized? or is it lower case and negative? that is something only you can decide. I would like to encourage anyone who is struggling to reach out to someone, you are not alone in this I can promise you that.

That's My Thought For The Day,

Heartbroken and Still Wondering.

I Do Get Up!

 It has been about 4 years since I have posted anything. I decided it was time. Many things have changed since I last posted, and yet many have not. What has changed? well, I now have an Associates degree with the focus of Psychology, a BS in Psychology, a minor in Sociology, and a certificate in Community Psychology. On top of that, I got accepted into 3 National/International Honor Societies. I start a Clinical Psychology Masters program this month. The things that have not changed? Sadly, I still struggle with the self negative narrative, I mean I really struggle with it. The thoughts of how worthless I am, how I am not deserving of anything good in my life, how I will never be good enough, how I am a loser, how I am a major screw up, how I am a waste of space, how I am breathing air someone else should be breathing (do not worry I will not hurt myself, these are just the thoughts that go through my head)....and so many more. 

What I am struggling with now, is every action has a reaction, every action has a consequence, every action affects someone in one way or another. Those consequences are not always positive. Some negative consequences are getting into trouble with the law, hurting someone you care about, and damaging a relationship to name a few. How the person handles the consequence will determine the outcome in the end. Being an adult is difficult, owning up to what was done is in some cases even more difficult. Learning from the encounter and consequences is priceless. It takes maturity to own up to what one did, it takes a coward to pass the blame on to others. It takes strength to own up, it takes weakness to say I did nothing wrong.  Some positive consequences are, you make someone smile or laugh, you get a promotion, you get a pay raise, you mend a broken relationship, and when it comes to the law you change your behavior and possibly, not always lessen the punishment. 

It takes work all around. In relationships of any kind it takes two, it takes one to not always get but to give in return. Everyone gives differently and as long as the other is filled up then it could be considered an equal give and take. When it comes to making changes it only takes you.  No one can change you for you, the desire to change has to come from you or change will never happen. 

With what is happening in our world today no one seems to be held accountable for their actions. With that said the price is paid by every person not committing those actions or the actions that hurt other people. Honestly, though, can anyone say they are completely innocent of hurting others, on purpose or not? I do not think so. I feel every person has done some action that may or may not have been deliberate, yet it was done and the person it was directed towards has been affected. 

I would like to challenge you to do a self-reflection, really look inside of you. Find where you are at and just deeply examine yourself. You may discover things you do not like, you may discover that one time you did this or that, and you actually might have affected someone else. Keep this in mind NO ONE is perfect. Try to have some self-compassion, allow yourself to feel things, give yourself permission to forgive you.......I know I need to practice what I preach. Change is never easy, the belief we hold about ourselves can be the biggest challenge to overcome. As I said at the beginning I am really struggling....my beliefs have a hold of me and I am trying to break free from it, honestly, I feel like I am sinking. I struggle, I fight, sometimes I get knocked down. It takes time to get back up, but I do get up. 

That's My Thought For The Day,

Still Wondering Who I Am