The last 2 months have been hard on me with intense outpatient therapy, losing my support system, and having my heart shattered into a million pieces to never be the same again. I have been doing a lot of thinking and we all know left to it's own devices my brain can be a powerful thing. That can sometimes be a good thing and others not so much. Lately, I have been thinking about the people on my healthcare team both past and present. My thoughts??? I have come to the conclusion that I am their paycheck!!!! Yes I said I am their paycheck! Have you ever thought about the fact that they get paid to diagnose and treat and counsel and "care" I use that term a bit (says sarcastically) loosely...do they really care about me as a person? or the fact they have a job and I am it or at least part of it? Do they remember people they have worked with in the past? Or are we easily forgotten like yesterdays news? how about the fact they all say "take care" like a cheap band-aid that will never stay put on the wound it is expected to cover........please don't get me wrong there actually might be some who do the job they do because they ACTUALLY care about the people they work with (I did say might).....I have decided however that I am not worth the effort to be truly cared for, not by the team of people who are loosely dedicated to their paychecks or personally in my lifetime. That has been proven over and over again in my life and more so recently. In January I start school to become an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or a therapist to make it simple) the biggest difference is I won't ever be paid for doing it. I will not be relying on a paycheck for doing what I will be trained to do....I am going to do it because I want to help people. Why? well thanks for asking......because I have decided I am to far beyond help myself!!! So if I can help one person then maybe I won't be a complete failure in my life....I am once again putting my (yes I know some of the words coming next are not exactly in the dictionary according to spell check) unloveable, unworthy, unvaluable self on the back burner (I really wish I never would have gotten that second tattoo) so I can hopefully focus on helping others therefore I can forget about me. I have begun building up my walls again to protect myself. I am mourning the loss of me among other things, I mourn alone and in silence. I have tried to practice ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) I am really struggling with it, so I have decided to give up on it or maybe not "I am having the revelation that I am completely worthless" there I said it, I acknowledged it, now we move on....here is one for you, me the one who is crazy for Christmas is not wanting anything to do with it at all this year!!!!!!!!!! I am sure that has people wondering The spirit surrounding Christmas the love, joy, peace, giving, HOPE.....hope hurts therefore Christmas hurts too. Maybe I am losing it completely, maybe I am just tired of trying anymore. If I am not worth it to other people, then I know I am not worth it to myself either. This sounds so harsh even to me but, it is where I am at in this moment. I can't see hope, I have no hope but, hope only hurts anyway and I am so tired of hurting. I can't stop my tears so I wear sunglasses a lot lately to hide them. I can't show weakness to anyone not even myself....I am my worst critic, judge, jury and executioner (metaphorically speaking) I asked Mr. Rogers if I could take a long walk off a short pier....He told me NO.... so I obeyed like a puppet going through the motions and stumbling along the way. I do what is expected of me like the good girl I am or known to be......I have lost myself and have no clue who I am anymore or if I will ever be found again. My head is spinning, I feel like I am on a merry go round that is speeding up to the point that I am about to lose my grip and go flying off. But, I have to hold on, I can't let go, I have to be strong, I can't be weak....the confidence people have or had in me is artificial, the skills I have been told I have was a lie. I completely let my guard down and I trusted. Trust hurts so I can trust no one again, I am not even sure I can trust myself anymore. but I have to keep going and put on the best performance of my life. There are people who have worth and value and I have to help them find it since I have none of my own. I have often wondered what my purpose on this planet is....is it to have a miserable existence so others can find hope??? what is the point of my being???? I would never wish this experience on anyone not even my worst enemy....this is mine alone to bear and I bear it in pure silence. I have lost my way, I am a lost cause, there is no hope for me......
That's my thought for the day......
Who am I?
