Dear younger me....who am I kidding?

Dear younger me:

I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO?????  My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

I don't want to be a Damsel........

So last Thursday I had 3 appointments at Kaiser and a blood draw, those dang vampires they have been leaving bruises lately...I was there about 6 hours total, how fun is that??? I really think I should move there and make it my permanent address. With each visit, they all said "Take Care" when I left including Mr. Personality (I am working on training Mr. Personality with that phrase). Take Care is so GENERIC!!! It seriously feels like I am dehumanized (wow that is actually a word???). Just like the word patient (especially when it comes to mental health). It makes me feel like a number or a robot of sorts, not a living, breathing, feeling human being. With that said My one on one with Mr. Personality was quite fun. He seemed like a human and not a clinical being for part of it, there was laughter and disapproving noises when something was typed that I didn't like the sound of. He changed around most of it to sound more acceptable (at least to me) very accommodating of him don't you think? I took this one on one more seriously, last time I was a pain in the bahookie because I didn't want to be there. The second class (because group sounds so Ewwww) I was introduced as the troublemaker which I was pleased to accept the name (it's official because my name tag says so). I do believe I lived up to the name as best as I knew how especially chapter 3 page 4 twerking HA!!!! So, I fired Snow Miser yay me!!! (Mr. Personality said I could, so blame him if you have an issue....wow he is to blame for quite a bit lately) hopefully, the next one I get isn't a Snow Queen. Now you have been updated let's move on....rolling rolling rolling keep those wagons rolling RAWHIDE.....oops wrong era.......King Arthur and the Knights of the round table.......with this journey that I am on both physically and mentally (UGH!!!!) I hate the mental part. I hate all of it really but, the mental part is the worst (oops okay got distracted moving on). I feel like a Damsel in distress, I don't want to feel that way. My entire life has been.....I have to be strong, take care of myself, don't ask for help for anything.....and now I have had to ask for help, it makes me feel weak and I hate that feeling. Lately, I have been thinking I am not the Damsel, I am the Knight but, I have lost my armor and I got kicked off my jackass and it stuck it's tongue out at me as it ran away. I have been left vulnerable, weak, scared, hopeless. tired, and stranded (dang donkey anyway). In this journey I have to find my armor piece by piece the tattoo is one piece, my healthcare team is another piece (if I can find the right combo I really hate firing people), having support (for me that is a really hard one I feel like I only have one) is a very weak piece but, it is part of my armor nonetheless. My armor is not complete and may never be complete it is dented, full of holes and dull but, it's mine.  I will continue on my way. I may lose pieces of my armor and get thrown off my noble steed (who am I kidding I will always have a jackass I would love a nice stallion though) again and again but, in time I will get back up and try again. I am not perfect I do not want to be BUT, (and this is a really big one) I DON'T want to stay where I am at. I may take 2 steps forward and 1000 steps back but (not so big this time), when I take the next 2 steps I will only be 998 steps behind.....hopefully when I am 1000 steps back I can remember that 998 is better than 1000. I am human after all and probably will not remember that but, one can hope right???  Everyone's armor will be different, not one will be the same, some will have better armor and some will have worse. Each life is different, each person's needs are unique only to them. There may be similarities in life, armor, situations, steeds (hey I can't be the only one stuck with a donkey can I?) but, not one exactly the same. Do I wish for a full set of shiny, protective armor? you bet, will I get it??? who knows only time will tell. In the meantime as I search for my scattered armor and I get thrown from my jackass, I may lose sight of my goals, I really hope there will be someone to help me up and remind me to dust myself off and keep moving (rolling rolling rolling.....oh never mind)........I may be a female Knight and I am okay with that because only I can change my life no one else can. I don't want to be a damsel in distress, I may be weak but, I am not helpless, I may not have all of my armor making me vulnerable to the dragons life throws at me but, as long as my donkey comes back and I can move forward I really think I will be okay......because I say so not Mr. Personality because he doesn't know (and I thought he knew everything).......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

2 steps forward 1000 steps back.....

I went to California to, watch my daughter graduate, once a drug addict now she is a High School graduate. She is going to college and doing so good, I am so proud of her. I do not take vacations period!!!! they never fit my schedule but, I needed this one and honestly, I wish I could have stayed.....now, I wish to hide in a hole.........rewind to the Friday before I left......I ran into someone I knew and she did not recognize me without my glasses and the first thing out of her mouth...OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I wanted to smack her and she kept saying it all through our conversation. Here is the thing, I DO NOT think I am beautiful!!!! I think I am rather.......hideous for lack of a better word we will get to that in a bit maybe or maybe not. I shook my head and said my goodbyes and went home and went to bed. I literally slept the entire weekend except for when we went out for my son's birthday and Church...what kind of mother am I to not want to celebrate my son's birthday???? I can tell you I am not up for mother of the year. Speaking of Church...I was told I was pretty, again I wanted to smack the lady who said it but, I just shook my head and got out of there as fast as I could. Let's go to Tuesday, May, 31 the day we leave. I am up at 3 a.m. because of pain and my oh so thoughtful or not so thoughtful brain. I start the day in not so good a mood. Taking my oh so graceful daughter to the fracture clinic because she decided to go down a hill on a longboard and fracture her growth plate in her foot yay her!!!! We get back to town have a blowout and no lug wrench or jack yay me!!!!! Hey this girl can change a tire but not without a lug wrench or jack.....a nice guy comes and changes the tire for me, and with a not so quick trip to Les Schwab and $130.00 later I have 2 new tires on my car (ya so not taking that one to Cali). Ahhhh now on to the phone call with my intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend (I use friend because it sounds better you know the one I described last time) and I freak out and open Pandora's box well sorta, maybe or well maybe not...He said I need to change my thought process okay I get it I am having the thought that I am not beautiful and the voice in my head says YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!! trying to tell my head to shut up is a rather difficult thing to do, it doesn't listen to well. He says maybe you are beautiful.......and the not so nice voice in my head says what does he know???? (I promise I have been told I am not crazy...I am my own worst critic). So my conversation continues on with get something you can touch, feel, hold, look at....to put in your "toolbox" to bring ummmmm a calm or peace you get the picture right???? I thought and thought and could not think of one thing to get and trust me I have enough stuff in my purse I do not need more things to remember........okay fast forward to later in the afternoon, we get the rental car, I drive 8 hours, stop in Redding to sleep at 2:30 am 23 1/2 hours AFTER  I wake up and sleep for....2 hours.....Moving on we get to where we are going and the talk of sister tattoos comes up for the girls. I say hell no I am so not doing that EVER!!!!!! I hate needles, then a nice voice comes in and says something to look at, touch...... get it?? I got a TATTOO and it is all HIS fault. Fast forward to Monday  the day after I drive 15 hours, this is when things get interesting I see the Dr. here is the gist of the conversation
 Dr.~ you have metal in your back, have you been shot???
Me~ WHAT??? NO I have never been shot or stabbed, I had 2 C-Sections could it be a needle???
Dr.~ no they are too thick to break
Me~ I have an alien........
Dr.~ go get an x-ray
this was Monday the 6th
Wednesday the 8th
Dr.~ it's metallic it looks like a needle, the surgeons do not want to remove it because it will cause more pain flares for you.
Me~ my first C-Section was in 98 my second in 01
Dr.~ oh crap that was a long time ago
Me~ yep
And people wonder why I am scared of needles oi!!!! I am guessing it happened when they stuck me like 10 times to numb me when my daughter was born. That same Monday visit he moves me around and IT HURTS!!!! According to the Dr,. I am hypersensitive to pain!!!! YAY ME! or not so much......
 Okay so changing the subject sort of, I have 3 people who are supposed to "help" me an intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend, a therapist and a psychiatrist I have nicknames for all of them the therapist I call Mr. Rogers he totally reminds me of him, the psychiatrist I call snow miser I will get to that in a bit and the intriguing....(you get it) I call Mr. Personality out of the 3 can you guess which one I prefer??? yep, Mr. Personality.  I was on cloud 9 when I saw Mr. Personality on Tuesday right before I saw Snow Miser. I told him I put a twist to his suggestion for my toolbox and showed him the tattoo the look on his face was priceless and so worth it!!! He thought I was going to show him a rock. He did get clinical and asked how I felt about it and I told him I felt good. I also told him some people thought I had gone off the deep end, his response??? Good, maybe they need to worry about you....(totally paraphrasing this, it was last week after all). Now on to Snow Miser, he pushed me off my cloud!!!!!!!!  I have not been able to get back up to it again...I felt like I was facing a bigger dragon with bigger teeth, I felt glued to the chair and my legs were like cement......I felt like I was talking to a block of ice.....shaking his hand gave me frostbite. Mr. Personality is clinical...Snow Miser is a 1000 times more clinical. He asked about my life and I kept hearing how unfortunate...I separated myself from the situation and just answered his questions I felt numb. I told him my biggest mistake in my life was not dying when I was born...his response ya I read that in the notes.......I felt defeated and I still do. This has sent me spiraling backward and I am so dizzy from it I can not seem to stop spinning. The thoughts that keep going through my head......my life is unfortunate and they will not go away. Oh, I am not quite done there is more........Thursday someone stops by to see the tattoos that no one seems to think are real. I was told I have such a bubbly personality that they love to spend time with me. I asked why do people like me so much???? I do not show people everything that is going on and they said......."You are the true definition of beauty it comes from inside you, you are truly beautiful inside and out and that is why people like you"....can I say I had to work really hard to not punch him and I had to literally choke out the 2 little words THANK YOU!!! To me, they were not so little and they were the hardest thing to say. I was asked by Mr. Personality why I think I am not beautiful and I said because the 5 most important men in my life left me so there is obviously something wrong with me......2 steps forward 1000 steps back my life is unfortunate......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

Puppets or maybe Muppets....

Have you ever felt like a puppet on a string??? I ha.... nope I do!! My life as I know it feels controlled by other people. I feel like I do not have a choice in anything......BUT (now that is a big one) one person an intriguing, somewhat clinical, kind, funny, helpful.....(I can go on but I am sure you would not want to read an entire page full of my opinion  of this person) told me that I am in charge BUT, (that is a really big one) I do not feel like I am in charge. I asked this rather not so mysterious person if they had ever felt like a puppet on a string their answer?....you guessed it YES!!!! I asked how they got free they had to think about it....understandable of course and the answer???? Not the easy one was......(I'm gonna paraphrase here) they made boundaries and changes in the relationships that they felt that way about it was and is a slow process......I turned the clinical on them and asked if it turned out good??? Not always was the answer. I went more clinical and asked how did you feel about that??? He liked that (the clinical part) but said it can be sad......I have a journey ahead of me and to be honest it scares the living hell out of me (heck if it really scared hell out of me, my life would not be this way). I have things to do, people to see and places to be and those are things I do not want to do, people I do not want to see, and places I do not want to be! I feel like I have hoops to jump through but, (not so big this time) there is this voice in my head (no I have already been told I am not crazy, it sure does feels like it sometimes) that keeps saying I am in charge. I can not seem to wrap my head around this concept that I am in charge, I hate conflict I try to avoid it at all cost (unless mama bear is needed then my give a damn gets busted) and in situations like mine conflict is inevitable unfortunately. I have been told I am brave I do not see it, I have been told I am intelligent again I do not see it. It appears some have more confidence in me than I do. Forrest Gump had the right idea life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get......it seems like I got all the bad ones, (you know the ones no one eats) in my box. Sigh I really think if I have to be a Puppet I would rather be a Muppet they are much more fun to see. They sing, dance and make you laugh and better yet they have no strings.......I feel like a puppet on a string, one day I wish to be free.......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

The Kind Soul

I met a person with a kind soul, they reminded me of someone I used to know...For a moment Imagine a blank canvas,  Imagine a tender heart, one full of hope for the future, a future of helping and serving others. A heart so full of compassion it breaks when it hears of suffering and pain. A heart that gives all it has to what it is focused on at the moment. Imagine a heart so full of love it puts itself aside to go to the aid of others. Imagine a heart that soars through the atmosphere when it sees eyes light up with surprise and joy at something unexpected. A heart that would bend over backwards to help someone without expecting anything in return. A heart that does things just to see a smile. Imagine a heart who would drop everything for someone in need. Now, imagine a heart connected to a soul.....The soul brings life to the heart, it brings personality and ideas and together they make a human. A kind soul brings tears, joy, laughter, kindness, compassion, giving and helping to a whole new level.  Compassion and goodness flows from a kind soul with a tender heart. The desire to add color to a bleak world, to mold and shape the things around them. To bring peace and comfort to those who suffer, hope to the hopeless, rest for the weary. A kind soul will go the extra mile for someone in need. They give of them self....a kind soul will give so much they begin to drain and get tired. A kind soul will shed tears for those they can not help, a kind soul with a tender heart can break but will keep going until they can not go anymore. A kind soul will give, people will take,  like a glass half full eventually it gets emptied. Without anything to refill it the kind soul will fall.......Imagine seeing the broken soul, imagine taking some of what they have given and give it back to them. Start filling them up and watch them blossom once again. Kind souls are like gardens they will give until they can give no more but, without water the garden withers and dies. It takes a special person to have a heart to help with everything in their being, it takes a special person to want to inspire the world around them. Take a careful look around you for the kind souls of this world and see what you can do to help fill them up again. Oh one Last thing before I end maybe one day you can call one friend......

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

It Is What It Is!!!

Everything bad that has happened in her life she believes is her fault, She can not outrun the "bad" luck that seems to have become the norm for her, someone once said if she didn't have bad luck she wouldn't have any luck at all. It is her fault her family is falling apart and her husband can't be with his brother....she feels like the weight she carries will never lighten, the loneliness she feels will never fade, the deep sadness that engulfs her entire being that entraps her with only a glimpse of laughter every so often will never release her. Taking deep breaths to manage each day she barley manages.....tears flow often she tries to hide them, she can not show the weakness that wants to show itself to the world, she must stay strong, she can not budge and when she does it flows like a flooded river and she apologizes for the weakness she has shown. Her strength is weakening and she is scared she can not show what she is holding inside, the lifetime of strength she has been forced to have seems to be caving in. she can not bare the judgement she is sure to face if she shows how much she hurts. She feels invisible unless something is needed, then she is acknowledged and when it's done she becomes invisible once more. She never dreamed her life would be like this, she never dreamed she would feel so alone, she never dreamed she would want to hide from those who claim to love her. Never in her life did she think she would want to escape her surroundings she feels so trapped....but hey It is what it is right??? She feels vulnerable and broken. she feels like the pot on the wheel that the potter is trimming, the very tool that is used to reveal something beautiful can break and damage the pot, it can be repaired but it will never be the same.....but hey It is what it is right???  Once the social butterfly she is now afraid to socialize, she doesn't fit in, she wants to run and hide, she places a smile on her face that doesn't reach her eyes but, no one seems to notice and she keeps limping on with her life. Her mind doesn't shut off it is constantly filled with your life is your fault and what if's but the reality of it all is, her life......is what it is and there is no changing it, she is stuck in a place and if she could only reach the hand that is being offered maybe one day she will be ok but for now it is what it is.....She feels like an alien going out in public she only goes when necessary she used to enjoy being out but now she just wants to hide. She dreamed once of a fairy tale life but that dream like all the others was crushed with reality and now she doesn't dare to dream at all for fear they will turn to nightmares but hey it is what it is right???  She stays in the shadows instead of the sun she keeps to herself most of the time there is a brief moment where she dares to show the person who is hiding inside but those are the times she feels most vulnerable and is really afraid and really wants to hide. Let's be honest here instead of saying she I really mean me......but hey it is what it is right???

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas

A Few Days In The Life Of Her

It was a dark and stormy night....well It wasn't a dark and stormy night it just sounds good to start with. But, seriously It was dark and stormy in the woman's thoughts, all of the guilt came flooding back in waves that would not slow down or stop. The thoughts of "it is all your fault you should have stopped it" kept repeating themselves over and over....after the week she has had it was not something she needed. Let's start with Tuesday the day of the one on one with the teacher of the class she just finished.  She heard him say for the second time  "your numbers for depression are high I think...."well I am sure you can guess the rest right?? Numbly she walked out with the thought I have a mental illness and now everyone will know. I will be labeled for life, she screamed in her head I AM NOT MENTAL!!!! the drive home was a blur through the tears. The days following held heaviness, a weight so huge that moving or speaking was a burden but she bore it and slowly moved through the week. Depression a weight that starts in the feet and fills the entire being to overflowing there is no turn off switch. with that on all the time, her anxiety begins to simmer ready to bubble and overflow at any given moment and, bubble it did all through the week. It starts in the stomach and fills the chest and you can't breathe, you can't stop fidgeting and it will not go down, almost like an acid flowing up, the jitters the panic the urge to flee and try to out run the feeling that just won't quit. Finding out her husband had the weekend off didn't help her anxiety it went soaring through the atmosphere. She wondered what she was going to feed him for lunch since he is so picky and refuses to eat what he eats at work during the week silly right?? It's the little things that send her anxiety soaring and only time brings her back to a place of normalcy of sorts. What is normal? she has no idea what normal looks like even if it was right in front of her. Saturday night happens the thoughts start, the dread fills her being, the tears flow once again like an old friend, starting with only one phone call. Her husbands brother who isn't talking to them because of an event that they only found out about two years ago but, the family thinks they knew all along and  blames them, has been hospitalized he was there for two weeks. Brother has MS and his body gave out on him, he needs rehab yet the family except good ol dad never contacted them. Her husbands brother, his former best friend is physically going down hill and they were left in the dark and, it is her fault. She should have said no to her daughter staying at Aunty's house she should have protected her, her family, and her husbands relationship with his brother and she FAILED....all the memories of her own abuse came flooding back like a tsunami. The feelings, the thoughts, the guilt, it is all her fault her entire life was her fault. She wants to delete herself from society (not life) and hide herself away. Because it is easier than facing people who will know it is her fault and judge her for not protecting her family. For not keeping them from hurt, harm and pain. Maybe it is a dark and stormy night after all.....she holds it in, she says she is just tired if asked, so no one knows what is really going on in her head. It was a dark and stormy night and she has many dark and stormy days ahead of her. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness knowing there is no one there for her is devastating the temporary help is just that, temporary. She wants to feel better, she wants to hope again she wants the weight she is carrying around to be lifted or at least lightened. She is tired, she hurts in her entire being physically, mentally, emotionally every part of her hurts and is exhausted she just wants to rest.....but, rest does not come so she just keeps going on with no hope in sight. She carries  the weight of her friends who come to her and vent and talk and cry and she supports them in their mourning, anger, sadness shoving down everything she is feeling to help them through their trials. She is a good actress, she puts on a good show, she puts on a smile so no one will ever know and when she is alone, all of the weight she is carrying drops like a ton of bricks back on to her. She is so tired she stumbles a bit picks herself up and drags herself on wishing for some peace. But, peace is not for her she still has to go and make dinner.

That's My Thought For The Day,

Crazy for Christmas