The last 2 months have been hard on me with intense outpatient therapy, losing my support system, and having my heart shattered into a million pieces to never be the same again. I have been doing a lot of thinking and we all know left to it's own devices my brain can be a powerful thing. That can sometimes be a good thing and others not so much. Lately, I have been thinking about the people on my healthcare team both past and present. My thoughts??? I have come to the conclusion that I am their paycheck!!!! Yes I said I am their paycheck! Have you ever thought about the fact that they get paid to diagnose and treat and counsel and "care" I use that term a bit (says sarcastically) loosely...do they really care about me as a person? or the fact they have a job and I am it or at least part of it? Do they remember people they have worked with in the past? Or are we easily forgotten like yesterdays news? how about the fact they all say "take care" like a cheap band-aid that will never stay put on the wound it is expected to cover........please don't get me wrong there actually might be some who do the job they do because they ACTUALLY care about the people they work with (I did say might).....I have decided however that I am not worth the effort to be truly cared for, not by the team of people who are loosely dedicated to their paychecks or personally in my lifetime. That has been proven over and over again in my life and more so recently. In January I start school to become an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or a therapist to make it simple) the biggest difference is I won't ever be paid for doing it. I will not be relying on a paycheck for doing what I will be trained to do....I am going to do it because I want to help people. Why? well thanks for asking......because I have decided I am to far beyond help myself!!! So if I can help one person then maybe I won't be a complete failure in my life....I am once again putting my (yes I know some of the words coming next are not exactly in the dictionary according to spell check) unloveable, unworthy, unvaluable self on the back burner (I really wish I never would have gotten that second tattoo) so I can hopefully focus on helping others therefore I can forget about me. I have begun building up my walls again to protect myself. I am mourning the loss of me among other things, I mourn alone and in silence. I have tried to practice ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) I am really struggling with it, so I have decided to give up on it or maybe not "I am having the revelation that I am completely worthless" there I said it, I acknowledged it, now we move on....here is one for you, me the one who is crazy for Christmas is not wanting anything to do with it at all this year!!!!!!!!!! I am sure that has people wondering The spirit surrounding Christmas the love, joy, peace, giving, HOPE.....hope hurts therefore Christmas hurts too. Maybe I am losing it completely, maybe I am just tired of trying anymore. If I am not worth it to other people, then I know I am not worth it to myself either. This sounds so harsh even to me but, it is where I am at in this moment. I can't see hope, I have no hope but, hope only hurts anyway and I am so tired of hurting. I can't stop my tears so I wear sunglasses a lot lately to hide them. I can't show weakness to anyone not even myself....I am my worst critic, judge, jury and executioner (metaphorically speaking) I asked Mr. Rogers if I could take a long walk off a short pier....He told me NO.... so I obeyed like a puppet going through the motions and stumbling along the way. I do what is expected of me like the good girl I am or known to be......I have lost myself and have no clue who I am anymore or if I will ever be found again. My head is spinning, I feel like I am on a merry go round that is speeding up to the point that I am about to lose my grip and go flying off. But, I have to hold on, I can't let go, I have to be strong, I can't be weak....the confidence people have or had in me is artificial, the skills I have been told I have was a lie. I completely let my guard down and I trusted. Trust hurts so I can trust no one again, I am not even sure I can trust myself anymore. but I have to keep going and put on the best performance of my life. There are people who have worth and value and I have to help them find it since I have none of my own. I have often wondered what my purpose on this planet is....is it to have a miserable existence so others can find hope??? what is the point of my being???? I would never wish this experience on anyone not even my worst enemy....this is mine alone to bear and I bear it in pure silence. I have lost my way, I am a lost cause, there is no hope for me......
That's my thought for the day......
Who am I?
Friday, November 25, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
I'm going to roar......
In life there are choices, actions, words and feelings that I can not control....they are what other people make, do, say and feel. What I can control are my choices, actions, words and feelings (feelings I do not think you can control those most of the time) it can be freeing or restricting. I can not keep feelings from welling up or tears from falling or the heaviness that seems to want to consume me. what I can do is push through them and continue on anyway....that is really hard especially when they seem to want to consume me all the way to my core. I wrote a letter to Mr. Personality and in it I told him that my life is a lesson I will never get from a book and when I get licensed as a social worker I will have real life experience that will hopefully help me to better work with the people I encounter.....BUT, IT'S HARD, in the past few weeks I have to make some choices for me and my life. The choices are not easy ones either but, they need to be made. The song Roar by Katy Perry has become my anthem.....
Roar
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now
I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......
It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Roar
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now
I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......
It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Sunday, September 11, 2016
The Story of my life....
I am in California again, this trip took 25 hours yes I said 25 and 3 near misses I really think I need flashing lights that say hey I'm here don't hit me, I am so thankful I finally made it. I really hope going home is faster and less eventful. I dealt with tons of emotions and feelings that made me want to scream, run, hide and just plain freak out but, I kept them in control....sort of well, ok not really. I hooked my phone to my car and listened to a variety of music some of which made me cry, fortunately I had sunglasses so I think I hid the tears pretty well until the end of the trip. Here is the thing with tears....I am not allowed to cry it literally pisses the man I am married to off so I hide them as best as I can. The one song that stuck with me is called story of my life by One Direction, I have told lots of things about myself but, I do not think I have told the story of me and who I am. Today I am going to try and start to tell you about me and the journey of discovering who I truly am in a way you have not yet heard before.
As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way. I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me) is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle, religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.
Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living, breathing, feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong? Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter. Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all. I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way. I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me) is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle, religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.
Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living, breathing, feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong? Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter. Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all. I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Dear younger me....who am I kidding?
Dear younger me:
I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO????? My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO????? My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
I don't want to be a Damsel........
So last Thursday I had 3 appointments at Kaiser and a blood draw, those dang vampires they have been leaving bruises lately...I was there about 6 hours total, how fun is that??? I really think I should move there and make it my permanent address. With each visit, they all said "Take Care" when I left including Mr. Personality (I am working on training Mr. Personality with that phrase). Take Care is so GENERIC!!! It seriously feels like I am dehumanized (wow that is actually a word???). Just like the word patient (especially when it comes to mental health). It makes me feel like a number or a robot of sorts, not a living, breathing, feeling human being. With that said My one on one with Mr. Personality was quite fun. He seemed like a human and not a clinical being for part of it, there was laughter and disapproving noises when something was typed that I didn't like the sound of. He changed around most of it to sound more acceptable (at least to me) very accommodating of him don't you think? I took this one on one more seriously, last time I was a pain in the bahookie because I didn't want to be there. The second class (because group sounds so Ewwww) I was introduced as the troublemaker which I was pleased to accept the name (it's official because my name tag says so). I do believe I lived up to the name as best as I knew how especially chapter 3 page 4 twerking HA!!!! So, I fired Snow Miser yay me!!! (Mr. Personality said I could, so blame him if you have an issue....wow he is to blame for quite a bit lately) hopefully, the next one I get isn't a Snow Queen. Now you have been updated let's move on....rolling rolling rolling keep those wagons rolling RAWHIDE.....oops wrong era.......King Arthur and the Knights of the round table.......with this journey that I am on both physically and mentally (UGH!!!!) I hate the mental part. I hate all of it really but, the mental part is the worst (oops okay got distracted moving on). I feel like a Damsel in distress, I don't want to feel that way. My entire life has been.....I have to be strong, take care of myself, don't ask for help for anything.....and now I have had to ask for help, it makes me feel weak and I hate that feeling. Lately, I have been thinking I am not the Damsel, I am the Knight but, I have lost my armor and I got kicked off my jackass and it stuck it's tongue out at me as it ran away. I have been left vulnerable, weak, scared, hopeless. tired, and stranded (dang donkey anyway). In this journey I have to find my armor piece by piece the tattoo is one piece, my healthcare team is another piece (if I can find the right combo I really hate firing people), having support (for me that is a really hard one I feel like I only have one) is a very weak piece but, it is part of my armor nonetheless. My armor is not complete and may never be complete it is dented, full of holes and dull but, it's mine. I will continue on my way. I may lose pieces of my armor and get thrown off my noble steed (who am I kidding I will always have a jackass I would love a nice stallion though) again and again but, in time I will get back up and try again. I am not perfect I do not want to be BUT, (and this is a really big one) I DON'T want to stay where I am at. I may take 2 steps forward and 1000 steps back but (not so big this time), when I take the next 2 steps I will only be 998 steps behind.....hopefully when I am 1000 steps back I can remember that 998 is better than 1000. I am human after all and probably will not remember that but, one can hope right??? Everyone's armor will be different, not one will be the same, some will have better armor and some will have worse. Each life is different, each person's needs are unique only to them. There may be similarities in life, armor, situations, steeds (hey I can't be the only one stuck with a donkey can I?) but, not one exactly the same. Do I wish for a full set of shiny, protective armor? you bet, will I get it??? who knows only time will tell. In the meantime as I search for my scattered armor and I get thrown from my jackass, I may lose sight of my goals, I really hope there will be someone to help me up and remind me to dust myself off and keep moving (rolling rolling rolling.....oh never mind)........I may be a female Knight and I am okay with that because only I can change my life no one else can. I don't want to be a damsel in distress, I may be weak but, I am not helpless, I may not have all of my armor making me vulnerable to the dragons life throws at me but, as long as my donkey comes back and I can move forward I really think I will be okay......because I say so not Mr. Personality because he doesn't know (and I thought he knew everything).......
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Monday, June 13, 2016
2 steps forward 1000 steps back.....
I went to California to, watch my daughter graduate, once a drug addict now she is a High School graduate. She is going to college and doing so good, I am so proud of her. I do not take vacations period!!!! they never fit my schedule but, I needed this one and honestly, I wish I could have stayed.....now, I wish to hide in a hole.........rewind to the Friday before I left......I ran into someone I knew and she did not recognize me without my glasses and the first thing out of her mouth...OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I wanted to smack her and she kept saying it all through our conversation. Here is the thing, I DO NOT think I am beautiful!!!! I think I am rather.......hideous for lack of a better word we will get to that in a bit maybe or maybe not. I shook my head and said my goodbyes and went home and went to bed. I literally slept the entire weekend except for when we went out for my son's birthday and Church...what kind of mother am I to not want to celebrate my son's birthday???? I can tell you I am not up for mother of the year. Speaking of Church...I was told I was pretty, again I wanted to smack the lady who said it but, I just shook my head and got out of there as fast as I could. Let's go to Tuesday, May, 31 the day we leave. I am up at 3 a.m. because of pain and my oh so thoughtful or not so thoughtful brain. I start the day in not so good a mood. Taking my oh so graceful daughter to the fracture clinic because she decided to go down a hill on a longboard and fracture her growth plate in her foot yay her!!!! We get back to town have a blowout and no lug wrench or jack yay me!!!!! Hey this girl can change a tire but not without a lug wrench or jack.....a nice guy comes and changes the tire for me, and with a not so quick trip to Les Schwab and $130.00 later I have 2 new tires on my car (ya so not taking that one to Cali). Ahhhh now on to the phone call with my intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend (I use friend because it sounds better you know the one I described last time) and I freak out and open Pandora's box well sorta, maybe or well maybe not...He said I need to change my thought process okay I get it I am having the thought that I am not beautiful and the voice in my head says YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!! trying to tell my head to shut up is a rather difficult thing to do, it doesn't listen to well. He says maybe you are beautiful.......and the not so nice voice in my head says what does he know???? (I promise I have been told I am not crazy...I am my own worst critic). So my conversation continues on with get something you can touch, feel, hold, look at....to put in your "toolbox" to bring ummmmm a calm or peace you get the picture right???? I thought and thought and could not think of one thing to get and trust me I have enough stuff in my purse I do not need more things to remember........okay fast forward to later in the afternoon, we get the rental car, I drive 8 hours, stop in Redding to sleep at 2:30 am 23 1/2 hours AFTER I wake up and sleep for....2 hours.....Moving on we get to where we are going and the talk of sister tattoos comes up for the girls. I say hell no I am so not doing that EVER!!!!!! I hate needles, then a nice voice comes in and says something to look at, touch...... get it?? I got a TATTOO and it is all HIS fault. Fast forward to Monday the day after I drive 15 hours, this is when things get interesting I see the Dr. here is the gist of the conversation
Dr.~ you have metal in your back, have you been shot???
Me~ WHAT??? NO I have never been shot or stabbed, I had 2 C-Sections could it be a needle???
Dr.~ no they are too thick to break
Me~ I have an alien........
Dr.~ go get an x-ray
this was Monday the 6th
Wednesday the 8th
Dr.~ it's metallic it looks like a needle, the surgeons do not want to remove it because it will cause more pain flares for you.
Me~ my first C-Section was in 98 my second in 01
Dr.~ oh crap that was a long time ago
Me~ yep
And people wonder why I am scared of needles oi!!!! I am guessing it happened when they stuck me like 10 times to numb me when my daughter was born. That same Monday visit he moves me around and IT HURTS!!!! According to the Dr,. I am hypersensitive to pain!!!! YAY ME! or not so much......
Okay so changing the subject sort of, I have 3 people who are supposed to "help" me an intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend, a therapist and a psychiatrist I have nicknames for all of them the therapist I call Mr. Rogers he totally reminds me of him, the psychiatrist I call snow miser I will get to that in a bit and the intriguing....(you get it) I call Mr. Personality out of the 3 can you guess which one I prefer??? yep, Mr. Personality. I was on cloud 9 when I saw Mr. Personality on Tuesday right before I saw Snow Miser. I told him I put a twist to his suggestion for my toolbox and showed him the tattoo the look on his face was priceless and so worth it!!! He thought I was going to show him a rock. He did get clinical and asked how I felt about it and I told him I felt good. I also told him some people thought I had gone off the deep end, his response??? Good, maybe they need to worry about you....(totally paraphrasing this, it was last week after all). Now on to Snow Miser, he pushed me off my cloud!!!!!!!! I have not been able to get back up to it again...I felt like I was facing a bigger dragon with bigger teeth, I felt glued to the chair and my legs were like cement......I felt like I was talking to a block of ice.....shaking his hand gave me frostbite. Mr. Personality is clinical...Snow Miser is a 1000 times more clinical. He asked about my life and I kept hearing how unfortunate...I separated myself from the situation and just answered his questions I felt numb. I told him my biggest mistake in my life was not dying when I was born...his response ya I read that in the notes.......I felt defeated and I still do. This has sent me spiraling backward and I am so dizzy from it I can not seem to stop spinning. The thoughts that keep going through my head......my life is unfortunate and they will not go away. Oh, I am not quite done there is more........Thursday someone stops by to see the tattoos that no one seems to think are real. I was told I have such a bubbly personality that they love to spend time with me. I asked why do people like me so much???? I do not show people everything that is going on and they said......."You are the true definition of beauty it comes from inside you, you are truly beautiful inside and out and that is why people like you"....can I say I had to work really hard to not punch him and I had to literally choke out the 2 little words THANK YOU!!! To me, they were not so little and they were the hardest thing to say. I was asked by Mr. Personality why I think I am not beautiful and I said because the 5 most important men in my life left me so there is obviously something wrong with me......2 steps forward 1000 steps back my life is unfortunate......
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Dr.~ you have metal in your back, have you been shot???
Me~ WHAT??? NO I have never been shot or stabbed, I had 2 C-Sections could it be a needle???
Dr.~ no they are too thick to break
Me~ I have an alien........
Dr.~ go get an x-ray
this was Monday the 6th
Wednesday the 8th
Dr.~ it's metallic it looks like a needle, the surgeons do not want to remove it because it will cause more pain flares for you.
Me~ my first C-Section was in 98 my second in 01
Dr.~ oh crap that was a long time ago
Me~ yep
And people wonder why I am scared of needles oi!!!! I am guessing it happened when they stuck me like 10 times to numb me when my daughter was born. That same Monday visit he moves me around and IT HURTS!!!! According to the Dr,. I am hypersensitive to pain!!!! YAY ME! or not so much......
Okay so changing the subject sort of, I have 3 people who are supposed to "help" me an intriguing, somewhat clinical, not so mysterious friend, a therapist and a psychiatrist I have nicknames for all of them the therapist I call Mr. Rogers he totally reminds me of him, the psychiatrist I call snow miser I will get to that in a bit and the intriguing....(you get it) I call Mr. Personality out of the 3 can you guess which one I prefer??? yep, Mr. Personality. I was on cloud 9 when I saw Mr. Personality on Tuesday right before I saw Snow Miser. I told him I put a twist to his suggestion for my toolbox and showed him the tattoo the look on his face was priceless and so worth it!!! He thought I was going to show him a rock. He did get clinical and asked how I felt about it and I told him I felt good. I also told him some people thought I had gone off the deep end, his response??? Good, maybe they need to worry about you....(totally paraphrasing this, it was last week after all). Now on to Snow Miser, he pushed me off my cloud!!!!!!!! I have not been able to get back up to it again...I felt like I was facing a bigger dragon with bigger teeth, I felt glued to the chair and my legs were like cement......I felt like I was talking to a block of ice.....shaking his hand gave me frostbite. Mr. Personality is clinical...Snow Miser is a 1000 times more clinical. He asked about my life and I kept hearing how unfortunate...I separated myself from the situation and just answered his questions I felt numb. I told him my biggest mistake in my life was not dying when I was born...his response ya I read that in the notes.......I felt defeated and I still do. This has sent me spiraling backward and I am so dizzy from it I can not seem to stop spinning. The thoughts that keep going through my head......my life is unfortunate and they will not go away. Oh, I am not quite done there is more........Thursday someone stops by to see the tattoos that no one seems to think are real. I was told I have such a bubbly personality that they love to spend time with me. I asked why do people like me so much???? I do not show people everything that is going on and they said......."You are the true definition of beauty it comes from inside you, you are truly beautiful inside and out and that is why people like you"....can I say I had to work really hard to not punch him and I had to literally choke out the 2 little words THANK YOU!!! To me, they were not so little and they were the hardest thing to say. I was asked by Mr. Personality why I think I am not beautiful and I said because the 5 most important men in my life left me so there is obviously something wrong with me......2 steps forward 1000 steps back my life is unfortunate......
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Puppets or maybe Muppets....
Have you ever felt like a puppet on a string??? I ha.... nope I do!! My life as I know it feels controlled by other people. I feel like I do not have a choice in anything......BUT (now that is a big one) one person an intriguing, somewhat clinical, kind, funny, helpful.....(I can go on but I am sure you would not want to read an entire page full of my opinion of this person) told me that I am in charge BUT, (that is a really big one) I do not feel like I am in charge. I asked this rather not so mysterious person if they had ever felt like a puppet on a string their answer?....you guessed it YES!!!! I asked how they got free they had to think about it....understandable of course and the answer???? Not the easy one was......(I'm gonna paraphrase here) they made boundaries and changes in the relationships that they felt that way about it was and is a slow process......I turned the clinical on them and asked if it turned out good??? Not always was the answer. I went more clinical and asked how did you feel about that??? He liked that (the clinical part) but said it can be sad......I have a journey ahead of me and to be honest it scares the living hell out of me (heck if it really scared hell out of me, my life would not be this way). I have things to do, people to see and places to be and those are things I do not want to do, people I do not want to see, and places I do not want to be! I feel like I have hoops to jump through but, (not so big this time) there is this voice in my head (no I have already been told I am not crazy, it sure does feels like it sometimes) that keeps saying I am in charge. I can not seem to wrap my head around this concept that I am in charge, I hate conflict I try to avoid it at all cost (unless mama bear is needed then my give a damn gets busted) and in situations like mine conflict is inevitable unfortunately. I have been told I am brave I do not see it, I have been told I am intelligent again I do not see it. It appears some have more confidence in me than I do. Forrest Gump had the right idea life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get......it seems like I got all the bad ones, (you know the ones no one eats) in my box. Sigh I really think if I have to be a Puppet I would rather be a Muppet they are much more fun to see. They sing, dance and make you laugh and better yet they have no strings.......I feel like a puppet on a string, one day I wish to be free.......
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
The Kind Soul
I met a person with a kind soul, they reminded me of someone I used to know...For a moment Imagine a blank canvas, Imagine a tender heart, one full of hope for the future, a future of helping and serving others. A heart so full of compassion it breaks when it hears of suffering and pain. A heart that gives all it has to what it is focused on at the moment. Imagine a heart so full of love it puts itself aside to go to the aid of others. Imagine a heart that soars through the atmosphere when it sees eyes light up with surprise and joy at something unexpected. A heart that would bend over backwards to help someone without expecting anything in return. A heart that does things just to see a smile. Imagine a heart who would drop everything for someone in need. Now, imagine a heart connected to a soul.....The soul brings life to the heart, it brings personality and ideas and together they make a human. A kind soul brings tears, joy, laughter, kindness, compassion, giving and helping to a whole new level. Compassion and goodness flows from a kind soul with a tender heart. The desire to add color to a bleak world, to mold and shape the things around them. To bring peace and comfort to those who suffer, hope to the hopeless, rest for the weary. A kind soul will go the extra mile for someone in need. They give of them self....a kind soul will give so much they begin to drain and get tired. A kind soul will shed tears for those they can not help, a kind soul with a tender heart can break but will keep going until they can not go anymore. A kind soul will give, people will take, like a glass half full eventually it gets emptied. Without anything to refill it the kind soul will fall.......Imagine seeing the broken soul, imagine taking some of what they have given and give it back to them. Start filling them up and watch them blossom once again. Kind souls are like gardens they will give until they can give no more but, without water the garden withers and dies. It takes a special person to have a heart to help with everything in their being, it takes a special person to want to inspire the world around them. Take a careful look around you for the kind souls of this world and see what you can do to help fill them up again. Oh one Last thing before I end maybe one day you can call one friend......
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
Sunday, May 8, 2016
It Is What It Is!!!
Everything bad that has happened in her life she believes is her fault, She can not outrun the "bad" luck that seems to have become the norm for her, someone once said if she didn't have bad luck she wouldn't have any luck at all. It is her fault her family is falling apart and her husband can't be with his brother....she feels like the weight she carries will never lighten, the loneliness she feels will never fade, the deep sadness that engulfs her entire being that entraps her with only a glimpse of laughter every so often will never release her. Taking deep breaths to manage each day she barley manages.....tears flow often she tries to hide them, she can not show the weakness that wants to show itself to the world, she must stay strong, she can not budge and when she does it flows like a flooded river and she apologizes for the weakness she has shown. Her strength is weakening and she is scared she can not show what she is holding inside, the lifetime of strength she has been forced to have seems to be caving in. she can not bare the judgement she is sure to face if she shows how much she hurts. She feels invisible unless something is needed, then she is acknowledged and when it's done she becomes invisible once more. She never dreamed her life would be like this, she never dreamed she would feel so alone, she never dreamed she would want to hide from those who claim to love her. Never in her life did she think she would want to escape her surroundings she feels so trapped....but hey It is what it is right??? She feels vulnerable and broken. she feels like the pot on the wheel that the potter is trimming, the very tool that is used to reveal something beautiful can break and damage the pot, it can be repaired but it will never be the same.....but hey It is what it is right??? Once the social butterfly she is now afraid to socialize, she doesn't fit in, she wants to run and hide, she places a smile on her face that doesn't reach her eyes but, no one seems to notice and she keeps limping on with her life. Her mind doesn't shut off it is constantly filled with your life is your fault and what if's but the reality of it all is, her life......is what it is and there is no changing it, she is stuck in a place and if she could only reach the hand that is being offered maybe one day she will be ok but for now it is what it is.....She feels like an alien going out in public she only goes when necessary she used to enjoy being out but now she just wants to hide. She dreamed once of a fairy tale life but that dream like all the others was crushed with reality and now she doesn't dare to dream at all for fear they will turn to nightmares but hey it is what it is right??? She stays in the shadows instead of the sun she keeps to herself most of the time there is a brief moment where she dares to show the person who is hiding inside but those are the times she feels most vulnerable and is really afraid and really wants to hide. Let's be honest here instead of saying she I really mean me......but hey it is what it is right???
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
Saturday, April 30, 2016
A Few Days In The Life Of Her
It was a dark and stormy night....well It wasn't a dark and stormy night it just sounds good to start with. But, seriously It was dark and stormy in the woman's thoughts, all of the guilt came flooding back in waves that would not slow down or stop. The thoughts of "it is all your fault you should have stopped it" kept repeating themselves over and over....after the week she has had it was not something she needed. Let's start with Tuesday the day of the one on one with the teacher of the class she just finished. She heard him say for the second time "your numbers for depression are high I think...."well I am sure you can guess the rest right?? Numbly she walked out with the thought I have a mental illness and now everyone will know. I will be labeled for life, she screamed in her head I AM NOT MENTAL!!!! the drive home was a blur through the tears. The days following held heaviness, a weight so huge that moving or speaking was a burden but she bore it and slowly moved through the week. Depression a weight that starts in the feet and fills the entire being to overflowing there is no turn off switch. with that on all the time, her anxiety begins to simmer ready to bubble and overflow at any given moment and, bubble it did all through the week. It starts in the stomach and fills the chest and you can't breathe, you can't stop fidgeting and it will not go down, almost like an acid flowing up, the jitters the panic the urge to flee and try to out run the feeling that just won't quit. Finding out her husband had the weekend off didn't help her anxiety it went soaring through the atmosphere. She wondered what she was going to feed him for lunch since he is so picky and refuses to eat what he eats at work during the week silly right?? It's the little things that send her anxiety soaring and only time brings her back to a place of normalcy of sorts. What is normal? she has no idea what normal looks like even if it was right in front of her. Saturday night happens the thoughts start, the dread fills her being, the tears flow once again like an old friend, starting with only one phone call. Her husbands brother who isn't talking to them because of an event that they only found out about two years ago but, the family thinks they knew all along and blames them, has been hospitalized he was there for two weeks. Brother has MS and his body gave out on him, he needs rehab yet the family except good ol dad never contacted them. Her husbands brother, his former best friend is physically going down hill and they were left in the dark and, it is her fault. She should have said no to her daughter staying at Aunty's house she should have protected her, her family, and her husbands relationship with his brother and she FAILED....all the memories of her own abuse came flooding back like a tsunami. The feelings, the thoughts, the guilt, it is all her fault her entire life was her fault. She wants to delete herself from society (not life) and hide herself away. Because it is easier than facing people who will know it is her fault and judge her for not protecting her family. For not keeping them from hurt, harm and pain. Maybe it is a dark and stormy night after all.....she holds it in, she says she is just tired if asked, so no one knows what is really going on in her head. It was a dark and stormy night and she has many dark and stormy days ahead of her. The overwhelming sadness and loneliness knowing there is no one there for her is devastating the temporary help is just that, temporary. She wants to feel better, she wants to hope again she wants the weight she is carrying around to be lifted or at least lightened. She is tired, she hurts in her entire being physically, mentally, emotionally every part of her hurts and is exhausted she just wants to rest.....but, rest does not come so she just keeps going on with no hope in sight. She carries the weight of her friends who come to her and vent and talk and cry and she supports them in their mourning, anger, sadness shoving down everything she is feeling to help them through their trials. She is a good actress, she puts on a good show, she puts on a smile so no one will ever know and when she is alone, all of the weight she is carrying drops like a ton of bricks back on to her. She is so tired she stumbles a bit picks herself up and drags herself on wishing for some peace. But, peace is not for her she still has to go and make dinner.
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
Friday, March 25, 2016
Good Friday to you
As I sit here early in the morning drinking my coffee having said goodbye to my husband as he goes off to work I realized that on this Good Friday we're on the brink of Easter. Easter is one of those times of year where twice a year Christians go to church, people do Easter eggs, and believe in the Easter Bunny. But it's not about the Easter Bunny or the eggs or getting all dressed up or anything like that it's about our Savior the one who died on the cross for our sins the one who rose again in three days someone who took it all upon Himself so we didn't have to. It's also about learning a time of forgiveness. forgiveness of people who have hurt you who've wronged you who've done things that have offended you, but it's also a time of reflection of our Lives. I just want to encourage everyone to kind of Step Back From what they are doing for their normal right now and just reflect and look at their life and see exactly where it needs to go, our world is becoming a very very sad place to live, it's not the same as it used to be. The foundations that our country had been founded on his is gone by the wayside and it's scary but, there is one true hope, one true inspiration that we can grasp onto. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life John 3:16 one of the very first Bible verses that I ever learned one of my favorites. I'm not saying we're going to have a perfect world, I'm not saying that we're going to instantly forgive the hurts that have been done to us, I'm not saying that we're going to be able to just forget everything that has happened in our lives but, those are Stepping Stones those are ways to go towards a goal and it's not going to be easy no one promised life would ever be easy, no one promised that everything would just be perfect. I'm going through a situation right now where I live where I have provided something to simplify the lives of everyone around here and I've been taking advantage of I have been talked to rudely and I'm tired so I've decided that I'm not going to provide that anymore it is an inconvenience for me but I'm not going to do it anymore. And someone got angry with me yesterday when they found out what I had done. they told me that it wasn't a very Christian thing to do and I'm not trying to do it to be rude or disrespectful but I told her I said even Jesus turned over the money tables and the temple and she said you're not Jesus and this is not a temple! she's right I'm not I would never claim to be and this is definitely not a temple I'm not saying that I'm just like that or my situation is like that but even Jesus had a point where he said enough was enough and I feel okay with my decision yes I'm angry because of how people have disrespected it but I will get past that and I will move forward and so I'm reflecting on my decisions I'm reflecting on my life I'm reflecting on my situation and I know it's going to be ok. And there's been many times where I've had to stop myself and say what would Jesus do in this situation and I will admit that I haven't always responded the way Jesus probably would and I'm guilty of that but I'm striving to try to live my life the way Jesus would but, I am human, I do make mistakes and I do make choices that may not always be right. fortunately I have a merciful loving God who will forgive me and help carry me through the times that I can't so I'm thankful this Easter for God's love, for His gift for Jesus and I just hope that you guys can find Hope and peace and love and strength and joy in the situation that you're in I encourage you to turn to God get on your knees and cry out to him if you need to but there is hope happy Easter everyone!
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
That's My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
Monday, March 7, 2016
The Struggle is Real.......
The struggle is real..........in everyday life everyone has them and yet sometimes we think our struggles are so much more overwhelming and stressful than the next persons. That is not true........
The struggle is real, the fact that you see your child go through something you can not fix or help with, The struggle is real when you feel guilt, like a failure, like you do not matter. The struggle is real when your child's anger is solely directed at you do to circumstances that no one asked for. The struggle is real, when there is so much hurt, and sadness surrounding the family that each one has to deal with on their own. The struggle is real when your heart shatters in to a gazillion pieces when you see a parent bury their child even more so if it is your friend. The struggle is real when you see people get literally handed almost everything because they play the system and lie, yet your family is barely making it because the income is to high and I refuse to put my sob story out there for the sake of my family. The struggle is real when you have to hold things in and say you are peachy because there is nothing anyone can do to help so you do not burden them with what is going on. The struggle is real when one of your best friends hubby can no longer work because a tree fell on him and they have to fight for disability and I want to help them so much but my hands are tied. The struggle is real for every one but, in a different way. when we see people, we do not know what their life is like, we have no clue what hurts they are hiding, we do not know the fear or sadness or anything about them yet their struggle is real to them, We can not judge them it is not our place to. The struggle is real when something you have been taught to believe in your entire life something to trust in and you struggle with that. Yet believe I continue to do because I do not know anything else to do and the one constant that has NEVER changed has been God and even though my struggle is real He will carry me through it. Even when I struggle with Him. All the heartache, suffering, sadness, pain, depression all of it the struggle is real but the one Hope I have seen in my life more often than not is still there, The struggle is real when your child questions your faith and whether or not it is the right one for them and the piercing sound of my heart shattering once again is very loud in my oh so hard of hearing ears. The struggle is real when you have something within your reach yet it is so far away. No one ever said life was fair, easy or always fun and God did not ever promise not to give us more than we can handle because He will give us a lot more just for us to lean on Him. we have to learn to do that but like I said The struggle is real............
That Is My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
The struggle is real, the fact that you see your child go through something you can not fix or help with, The struggle is real when you feel guilt, like a failure, like you do not matter. The struggle is real when your child's anger is solely directed at you do to circumstances that no one asked for. The struggle is real, when there is so much hurt, and sadness surrounding the family that each one has to deal with on their own. The struggle is real when your heart shatters in to a gazillion pieces when you see a parent bury their child even more so if it is your friend. The struggle is real when you see people get literally handed almost everything because they play the system and lie, yet your family is barely making it because the income is to high and I refuse to put my sob story out there for the sake of my family. The struggle is real when you have to hold things in and say you are peachy because there is nothing anyone can do to help so you do not burden them with what is going on. The struggle is real when one of your best friends hubby can no longer work because a tree fell on him and they have to fight for disability and I want to help them so much but my hands are tied. The struggle is real for every one but, in a different way. when we see people, we do not know what their life is like, we have no clue what hurts they are hiding, we do not know the fear or sadness or anything about them yet their struggle is real to them, We can not judge them it is not our place to. The struggle is real when something you have been taught to believe in your entire life something to trust in and you struggle with that. Yet believe I continue to do because I do not know anything else to do and the one constant that has NEVER changed has been God and even though my struggle is real He will carry me through it. Even when I struggle with Him. All the heartache, suffering, sadness, pain, depression all of it the struggle is real but the one Hope I have seen in my life more often than not is still there, The struggle is real when your child questions your faith and whether or not it is the right one for them and the piercing sound of my heart shattering once again is very loud in my oh so hard of hearing ears. The struggle is real when you have something within your reach yet it is so far away. No one ever said life was fair, easy or always fun and God did not ever promise not to give us more than we can handle because He will give us a lot more just for us to lean on Him. we have to learn to do that but like I said The struggle is real............
That Is My Thought For The Day,
Crazy for Christmas
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