What T Is Your Truth?

Worthless, failure, undeserving, unlovable, disposable, waste of space, screw up, waste of time, and not good enough.

This is the story my brain is telling me. This is what I believe. No matter what anyone says that might be good about me, this is my truth......notice I said truth without a capital T.  Dr. Steven Hayes developed Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) the basic gist of it is....(I am paraphrasing here) I am having the thought/feeling that I am (insert said thought/feeling) it is just a thought/feeling it is not, wait for it......Truth with a capital T. I accept that thought/feeling, I do not like it but it is there, I acknowledge it, and move on....sounds easy right? Ya......not so much. As humans, we get caught up in retelling the story. It is kind of like a really good movie you can not get enough of. One you watch over and over again to the point, you may actually know the lines word for word. This story in my brain keeps replaying, and I know every line word for word. Sadly, this has an effect on relationships. In some cases I am so worried I am going to mess up I try to be perfect ( I am talking about a specific one here) and I end up messing up anyway. I recently messed up and it may have just cost me someone I love very much. No details will be given, however, in some cases the circumstances for the loss some might think is silly. Thinking it is silly is invalidating. The person has real feelings about this and no one has the right to question that. There are two sides to the story, I have mine and they have theirs both have created very real, very valid feelings. How we deal with the feelings is on us, that will dictate the outcome....I am still waiting for the ax to drop so to speak and my heart is broken.

Sometimes my story slows down and gets muted It is still playing and always present, but it is not as loud. In cases, like I mentioned above the volume gets turned on full blast and it becomes consuming. While in the midst of the story my t becomes capitalized, I find it difficult to shut it down and reduce it back to lower case. This is my TRUTH in the moment, The reality of it is (alert, wise mind coming) my truth is not fact. 

How does one change the narrative? good question one I would love to know the answer to. Some suggestions (or maybe just 1) I have heard are, to speak affirmations to yourself....say whaaat? that feels so uncomfortable to say positive things to myself it feels, wait for it.....like I am lying to myself! Shut the front door!! What? Really? so I am more comfortable lying to myself with the negative narrative than I am saying positive things? Yup, that is about right.....We get so wrapped up in our own story we do not see what others see. In some cases (speaking from my own experience) we have lived the story we see as truth. It can come from negative childhood experiences or relationships as teens and adults. We get conditioned to think badly about ourselves that it becomes our truth. Without the consistency of positive conditioning and sometimes with it, changing the beliefs we hold is difficult and sometimes impossible. However, if there is someone who lifts you up try as hard as it may be, to believe them. they are telling a different truth and it may be with a capital T. 

What t is your truth? is it fact and capitalized? or is it lower case and negative? that is something only you can decide. I would like to encourage anyone who is struggling to reach out to someone, you are not alone in this I can promise you that.

That's My Thought For The Day,

Heartbroken and Still Wondering.

I Do Get Up!

 It has been about 4 years since I have posted anything. I decided it was time. Many things have changed since I last posted, and yet many have not. What has changed? well, I now have an Associates degree with the focus of Psychology, a BS in Psychology, a minor in Sociology, and a certificate in Community Psychology. On top of that, I got accepted into 3 National/International Honor Societies. I start a Clinical Psychology Masters program this month. The things that have not changed? Sadly, I still struggle with the self negative narrative, I mean I really struggle with it. The thoughts of how worthless I am, how I am not deserving of anything good in my life, how I will never be good enough, how I am a loser, how I am a major screw up, how I am a waste of space, how I am breathing air someone else should be breathing (do not worry I will not hurt myself, these are just the thoughts that go through my head)....and so many more. 

What I am struggling with now, is every action has a reaction, every action has a consequence, every action affects someone in one way or another. Those consequences are not always positive. Some negative consequences are getting into trouble with the law, hurting someone you care about, and damaging a relationship to name a few. How the person handles the consequence will determine the outcome in the end. Being an adult is difficult, owning up to what was done is in some cases even more difficult. Learning from the encounter and consequences is priceless. It takes maturity to own up to what one did, it takes a coward to pass the blame on to others. It takes strength to own up, it takes weakness to say I did nothing wrong.  Some positive consequences are, you make someone smile or laugh, you get a promotion, you get a pay raise, you mend a broken relationship, and when it comes to the law you change your behavior and possibly, not always lessen the punishment. 

It takes work all around. In relationships of any kind it takes two, it takes one to not always get but to give in return. Everyone gives differently and as long as the other is filled up then it could be considered an equal give and take. When it comes to making changes it only takes you.  No one can change you for you, the desire to change has to come from you or change will never happen. 

With what is happening in our world today no one seems to be held accountable for their actions. With that said the price is paid by every person not committing those actions or the actions that hurt other people. Honestly, though, can anyone say they are completely innocent of hurting others, on purpose or not? I do not think so. I feel every person has done some action that may or may not have been deliberate, yet it was done and the person it was directed towards has been affected. 

I would like to challenge you to do a self-reflection, really look inside of you. Find where you are at and just deeply examine yourself. You may discover things you do not like, you may discover that one time you did this or that, and you actually might have affected someone else. Keep this in mind NO ONE is perfect. Try to have some self-compassion, allow yourself to feel things, give yourself permission to forgive you.......I know I need to practice what I preach. Change is never easy, the belief we hold about ourselves can be the biggest challenge to overcome. As I said at the beginning I am really struggling....my beliefs have a hold of me and I am trying to break free from it, honestly, I feel like I am sinking. I struggle, I fight, sometimes I get knocked down. It takes time to get back up, but I do get up. 

That's My Thought For The Day,

Still Wondering Who I Am

What is my purpose???

The last 2 months have been hard on me with intense outpatient therapy, losing my support system, and having my heart shattered into a million pieces to never be the same again.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and we all know left to it's own devices my brain can be a powerful thing. That can sometimes be a good thing and others not so much. Lately, I have been thinking about the people on my healthcare team both past and present. My thoughts??? I have come to the conclusion that I am their paycheck!!!! Yes I said I am their paycheck! Have you ever thought about the fact that they get paid to diagnose and treat and counsel and "care" I use that term a bit (says sarcastically) loosely...do they really care about me as a person? or the fact they have a job and I am it or at least part of it? Do they remember people they have worked with in the past? Or are we easily forgotten like yesterdays news? how about the fact they all say "take care" like a cheap band-aid that will never stay put on the wound it is expected to cover........please don't get me wrong there actually might be some who do the job they do because they ACTUALLY care about the people they work with (I did say might).....I have decided however that I am not worth the effort to be truly cared for, not by the team of people who are loosely dedicated to their paychecks or personally in my lifetime. That has been proven over and over again in my life and more so recently. In January I start school to become an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or a therapist to make it simple) the biggest difference is I won't ever be paid for doing it. I will not be relying on a paycheck for doing what I will be trained to do....I am going to do it because I want to help people. Why? well thanks for asking......because I have decided I am to far beyond help myself!!! So if I can help one person then maybe I won't be a complete failure in my life....I am once again putting my (yes I know some of the words coming next are not exactly in the dictionary according to spell check) unloveable, unworthy, unvaluable self on the back burner (I really wish I never would have gotten that second tattoo) so I can hopefully focus on helping others therefore I can forget about me. I have begun building up my walls again to protect myself. I am mourning the loss of me among other things, I mourn alone and in silence.  I have tried to practice ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy)  I am really struggling with it, so I have decided to give up on it or maybe not "I am having the revelation that I am completely worthless" there I said it, I acknowledged it, now we move on....here is one for you,  me the one who is crazy for Christmas is not wanting anything to do with it at all this year!!!!!!!!!! I am sure that has people wondering The spirit surrounding Christmas the love, joy, peace, giving, HOPE.....hope hurts therefore Christmas hurts too. Maybe I am losing it completely, maybe I am just tired of trying anymore. If I am not worth it to other people, then I know I am not worth it to myself either. This sounds so harsh even to me but, it is where I am at in this moment. I can't see hope, I have no hope but, hope only hurts anyway and I am so tired of hurting. I can't stop my tears so I wear sunglasses a lot lately to hide them. I can't show weakness to anyone not even myself....I am my worst critic, judge, jury and executioner (metaphorically speaking) I asked Mr. Rogers if I could take a long walk off a short pier....He told me NO.... so I obeyed like a puppet going through the motions and stumbling along the way. I do what is expected of me like the good girl I am or known to be......I have lost myself and have no clue who I am anymore or if I will ever be found again. My head is spinning, I feel like I am on a merry go round that is speeding up to the point that I am about to lose my grip and go flying off. But, I have to hold on, I can't let go, I have to be strong, I can't be weak....the confidence people have or had in me is artificial, the skills I have been told I have was a lie. I completely let my guard down and I trusted. Trust hurts so I can trust no one again, I am not even sure I can trust myself anymore. but I have to keep going and put on the best performance of my life. There are people who have worth and value and I have to help them find it since I have none of my own. I have often wondered what my purpose on this planet is....is it to have a miserable existence so others can find hope??? what is the point of my being???? I would never wish this experience on anyone not even my worst enemy....this is mine alone to bear and I bear it in pure silence. I have lost my way, I am a lost cause, there is no hope for me......

That's my thought for the day......
Who am I?

I'm going to roar......

In life there are choices, actions, words and feelings that I can not control....they are what other people make, do, say and feel. What I can control are my choices, actions, words and feelings (feelings I do not think you can control those most of the time) it can be freeing or restricting. I can not keep feelings from welling up or tears from falling or the heaviness that seems to want to consume me. what I can do is push through them and continue on anyway....that is really hard especially when they seem to want to consume me all the way to my core. I wrote a letter to Mr. Personality and in it I told him that my life is a lesson I will never get from a book and when I get licensed as a social worker I will have real life experience that will hopefully help me to better work with the people I encounter.....BUT, IT'S HARD, in the past few weeks I have to make some choices for me and my life. The choices are not easy ones either but, they need to be made. The song Roar by Katy Perry has become my anthem.....

Roar
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready Cause I had enough
I see it all I see it now

I got the eye of the Tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero.......

It continues with the chorus again but I think you get the gist it is time to start doing things for me. It is so hard when I just want to hide but, I will never move forward with life if I keep ignoring myself....I do not want to continue doing that. I was told by someone recently that I'm worth it, I have value I'm working on trying to find it.The heaviness that seems to want to consume me holds grief, regret, anger, frustration, resentment, and fear.....those are what I am fighting against. I want to just shut down and just quietly disappear. The thing is I can't do that it would mean stopping my life and putting me on hold again so, I am fighting myself in this whole thing. I really feel like I am walking uphill backwards in 5 inch stilettos. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and afraid of falling. I feel like I am tied up, barely able to move or breathe I want to be Strong like a Lion but, gentle like a lamb to have the confidence in myself to hold my head up high in the face of this heaviness that holds so much inside of it. For right now I am just meowing but one day I will roar and when I do I will be free.

That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas

The Story of my life....

I am in California again, this trip took 25 hours yes I said 25 and 3 near misses I really think I need flashing lights that say hey I'm here don't hit me, I am so thankful I finally made it. I really hope going home is faster and less eventful. I dealt with tons of emotions and feelings that made me want to scream, run, hide and just plain freak out but, I kept them in control....sort of well, ok not really. I hooked my phone to my car and listened to a variety of music some of which made me cry, fortunately I had sunglasses so I think I hid the tears pretty well until the end of the trip.  Here is the thing with tears....I am not allowed to cry it literally pisses the man I am married to off so I hide them as best as I can. The one song that stuck with me is called story of my life by One Direction, I have told lots of things about myself but, I do not think I have told the story of me and who I am. Today I am going to try and start to tell you about me and the journey of discovering who I truly am in a way you have not yet heard before.

As you know I have said My life in a nutshell has been shitty or so I have been told. I agree with that description completely. I have had things ingrained into me, pounded into me and forced upon me to the point I say this is what I believe. I do not want to believe what I'm told I have to anymore, I want to find what I believe truly on my own. I also do not want to play by the rules everyone else has set for MY life!!!!!! It is MY life after all and I should set the rules, beliefs and values so, why is it I am still living by what I have lived my whole life? The answer???? I do not know but, I have decided I am not going to anymore. It has been suggested  by Mr. Personality ( I actually love that he suggests and invites me to do things or see things differently. For instance in dealing with my mom he said think like a social worker so I did, and it made things emotionally easier for me.) that I look at things pragmatically I had to ask what it meant. The Merriam Webster Dictionary says Pragmatic means ~ Dealing with problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories.
I carry my heart on my sleeve logic has never been something I even considered until now. Mr. Personality said that feelings are ok and to not just do or see things Pragmatically......so here it goes!!!!
My story, My life, My rules, To Thine Own Self Be True.....I am going to walk away from the all you can eat buffet of life's problems and empty my plate and start over. I need to put the things that are a priority on my plate and finish with them before filling it with more. Some things are beyond my control so making decisions on what to do about them can be done at a different time unless, I am in danger of getting hurt by them or some kind of harm will be done ( I am paraphrasing Mr. P) but decisions will be made. My past is just that my past but, in my past there are hurts and traumas that I still need to deal with. I will not just brush them off as if they never happened, I won't heal that way.  I have been told that now is not the time to face them head on but nonetheless they are there. They hurt, they wake me at night with bad dreams but, dealing with them on an as needed basis until the time is right (which I am sure Mr. Rogers will make that call) is what I'm attempting to do.....I think! Mr. Personality is a great person to bounce ideas off of or even to help put things into perspective. He is a great person to have in my corner and for that I'm am so thankful. When I take Psychology and Sociology or any other ology social work type classes, I am looking forward to asking his point of view. I am sure I will call BS on him at times just as I suspect he might do the same thing with me. Kinda like my opinion on when someone is drunk they are the most honest.....it is all about the filters......(hehe I am looking forward to another discussion on that one).....one thing I am proud to say with confidence (that is a new thing for me)  is Mr. Rogers is where the real work will be (I still want to start singing "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" when I see him) but, again I am not to the place I need to be to start that just yet. I am kinda scared of that day and I will have to face those painful memories. Face them I will and I hope the outcome will be better than where I started. My views on life in general are changing, I am looking at things in a different way and deciding what I believe.....things like marriage, lifestyles of the rich and famous well ok just a lifestyle,  religion, forgiveness, my life in general and kids.

Marriage~ I was told if I am not being hit or cheated on there is no good reason to leave no matter how miserable I am. What about verbal, emotional, and mental abuse? what about no support from the spouse when it comes to affection, life, health, kids or tears......For better or worse????? I do not find that fair to stay in a marriage where you are unloved, ignored unless something is needed or wrong and being criticized is the norm.....here is a touchy subject being Gay, this is a lifestyle until about 7 years ago I believed was wrong. I had it shoved into my head that it was bad and people who are gay were not good people. I really couldn't understand what was so wrong with it. Being Gay doesn't make them aliens they are living,  breathing,  feeling people just like everyone else on earth. The one difference I have found is they seem to be kinder, more compassionate and loving than most people I have encountered in my life. Here is a question or 3 what about them and marriage? why is it supposed to be wrong?  Why aren't they allowed to be happy according to the rules of religious  society? If they are happy let them live how they want, get married to who they want and even adopt and be parents if they want. I am not God it is not my place to judge.....and honestly for a girl Gay men make the best friends!
Religion~ in my life I was told that if what people believe doesn't line up with the Bible they are going to hell........Again I'm not God so who am I to judge like the gay community the 2 religions I encountered the most growing up were Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses and they are nicer than most Christians I have come across. Please don't get me wrong I have found some really great people out there just not many. I am reevaluating my beliefs and making adjustments I'm guilty of looking down on people because people in my life told me how to believe and I really never found my own beliefs and values but, that is no excuse for how I thought and I'm saddened by my actions I wish I  could go back in time for do over. I do have some of my own that I will not change but there are some big ones that will.
  Forgiveness ~ The Bible says to forgive 70x7 everyday 490 times a day so basically it means to always forgive no matter what. I know it is what Jesus would do but, I'm not Him. I'm human and I can't see forgiving someone who hurt me so horribly in my life. I can't see forgiving someone who allowed someone that hurt my child just go free. I'm angry that they think it's ok. Forgiving someone like that even though I'm told I HAVE TO, I can't seem to do and I'm beginning to be ok with that......Notice a pattern here? I don't like being told I have to do things I want to make my own choices......but, more often than not to avoid conflict I just do it or shut down.
 Life in general~ There is only one I'm gonna mention and it's hard for me don't eat unless you are hungry. Well I don't but, it is looking like even with the plus of some weight loss my body is revolting and Mr. Personality even suggested that I may have an eating disorder YIKES!!!! I totally do not like that!!! Now I have to force myself to eat just so I actually feel somewhat normal and I am not even sure what normal is I never have.....taking care of me has always seemed selfish because there is always someone who needs something more important and thinking of myself has been looked down upon by a few in my family so I just don't do it or I didn't.....I am needing to look at my life and my choices with some logic, and not just with emotion, this new perspective holds promise, the old one has not gotten me very far.
Kids~ or my daughter specifically, We arrive she comes out greets her dad and completely ignores me. She is not amused I am here and would rather I not be. I can count on 1 hand how many times she has spoken to me in the past day (we have not been here 24 hours yet) and 99.9 percent of it was in anger. I am not sure how to actually look at this situation with logic. I do not know how to deal with it but I have to try. My hope is that when I leave on the 20th to go home I do not have more wounds that will turn into scars. This goes back to NO support from the spouse, he is acting more like her friend and he is allowing her to push me aside. How do I feel about it????? (I got clinical on myself before Mr Personality could) I want to go home and not deal with it, the fight or flight is activated but, I am standing my ground and facing it as best as I can. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I hide my tears from the world and let them silently fall when I am by myself. I am trying to not catastrophize ( I really do not know if I came close to spelling that correctly or not and I do not care) the situation. My brain is full and it hurts, this rethinking my life and my beliefs is hard, telling my story is harder. Here is the thing my story isn't finished and it won't be until I take my last breath. Even then it will continue on with the people I have managed to touch as I lived. I really hope I am at least 100 before that all happens heck in 8 years I will be on this planet for half a century. It is time my story changed and the only person who can change it is me. I'm telling my heart to beat again, I'm the author of this life, this is MY story MY rules! They won't change over night but, I am hoping I have made a good start and adding some logic to the mix may just make it more interesting....I have 6 days until the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday figure that one out (now it's tomorrow this has been a week long process to write and rewrite this post) here is hoping there are some good stories to tell and less tears that fall. I was told to try and find some joy in each of the days that I am here. So, I did I found joy in the twinkle of the lights on the halloween decorated Christmas tree, I found joy in the smile and giggles of a toddler and in the time I spent with my oldest daughter.  Finding the joy in the smaller things makes it easier for when joy is hard to find at all.  I want to leave my mark on this world and now is my time to start! The story of my life started with hopelessness I want to finish it with hope.

That's my thought for the day,
Crazy for Christmas

Dear younger me....who am I kidding?

Dear younger me:

I was told that talking to an empty chair pretending you were in it would possible be helpful to me and getting through what you and I dealt with. I really do not know what I would say to an empty chair so I thought I would write to you and see if it helped. What I would really love to say is your life is perfect, I want to say that you have the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home and career but, I can't it would be lying to you. First off growing up craving our daddy's love sucked, knowing that everyday we were a living disappointment to him because we were the wrong gender would be a blow for anyone. Then we were 7 we made the pact that if we were not married by 21 would never get married and we know what else happened then, BTW I am having nightmares about it and new memories are surfacing it is like living it all over again night after night...well almost night after night. Most everything in our childhood I can't remember except the bad things I have very few good memories of what we lived. Now on to being 12, again we know what happened and it shook us to the core......what I would tell our daughter who had it happen to her as well is it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not deserve this to happen......it is what I am expected to tell you too but here is the thing I do not believe it......I keep trying to remember what we have done to deserve this horrible punishment or maybe I am in denial and we are a bad person after all......maybe I as the adult need to be condemned to hell for the way we have been....but, WHAT DID WE DO?????  My answer is we lived when we were born. But, I can not figure out what is so bad about a baby living well maybe it is because we were a girl or maybe the last chance for a boy, or the fact we almost committed murder of our mother because she almost died too. Here is something we broke one of the 10 commandments we did not honor our father because we were born a girl THAT'S IT!!!! Okay so that is stretching it a bit and I call BS on that one so what is it???? I want to believe that we did not do anything wrong, that we did not deserve it, we are not a bad person, it is not our fault....but, I don't. At 15 I tried to kill us, I wanted to jump off the bridge over Mill Creek by the public pool but I discovered we are afraid of heights and the water was not very deep and I would probably only break something and not be able to get out and the rattle snakes would get me and it would be a long painful death or life which ever......I beat myself up for failing once again to do something right....Dad cheated on mom so mom left him I went with mom because dad hated us and he lied to us and our sisters by saying there was no problem in a marriage that could not be worked out. Dad changed jobs every 3 months so child support could not find him mom struggled we were a burden....I went away to college in Kirkland, Washington I turned 18 there one day I walked down to the Puget Sound and tried to walk into it and never come out but, I couldn't something kept me from doing it and as I walked back to campus I beat myself up for being a coward and failing once again. 1995 the year I turned 21 I marked on the calendar on September 17th old maid??? I met a guy in April we were married in July this year marks 21 years but, I am sad to say I should not have married him. But, I am stuck I am true to my vows for better or worse....I have been told that I or we have had a shitty life and I agree, I can not figure out why we were born to live the life we have one of pain, sorrow and disappointment one of misery, and no love....the only thing I can think of is this, we start school to be a LCSW in January in order to help people we need to get help our self and that is what we or I am trying to do.....it is not easy and it is scary I would never wish this on anyone. When I finish school I want to help people with chronic pain, depression, trauma, and addiction I have personally lived with 3 of those 4 and I am married to a recovered alcoholic. I will be able understand what someone is going through because I have lived it. Back to killing myself I now think suicide is the most selfish act someone can do but, when they are at that point they do not see that. Someone who wants to kill themselves think they are making everyone's life easier but they aren't. It is a hole that can never be filled, it is a pain that can never heal so, even though I think it is selfish I want to help people to see they have value in this life. Maybe one day I will see the value I have in this life......So younger me or empty chair this whole exercise was not really to talk to the younger me but really to myself did it work??? not really but, maybe one day I will believe it but, until then I will keep moving towards the goal I have set and hope I can help one person live a better life.

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas

I don't want to be a Damsel........

So last Thursday I had 3 appointments at Kaiser and a blood draw, those dang vampires they have been leaving bruises lately...I was there about 6 hours total, how fun is that??? I really think I should move there and make it my permanent address. With each visit, they all said "Take Care" when I left including Mr. Personality (I am working on training Mr. Personality with that phrase). Take Care is so GENERIC!!! It seriously feels like I am dehumanized (wow that is actually a word???). Just like the word patient (especially when it comes to mental health). It makes me feel like a number or a robot of sorts, not a living, breathing, feeling human being. With that said My one on one with Mr. Personality was quite fun. He seemed like a human and not a clinical being for part of it, there was laughter and disapproving noises when something was typed that I didn't like the sound of. He changed around most of it to sound more acceptable (at least to me) very accommodating of him don't you think? I took this one on one more seriously, last time I was a pain in the bahookie because I didn't want to be there. The second class (because group sounds so Ewwww) I was introduced as the troublemaker which I was pleased to accept the name (it's official because my name tag says so). I do believe I lived up to the name as best as I knew how especially chapter 3 page 4 twerking HA!!!! So, I fired Snow Miser yay me!!! (Mr. Personality said I could, so blame him if you have an issue....wow he is to blame for quite a bit lately) hopefully, the next one I get isn't a Snow Queen. Now you have been updated let's move on....rolling rolling rolling keep those wagons rolling RAWHIDE.....oops wrong era.......King Arthur and the Knights of the round table.......with this journey that I am on both physically and mentally (UGH!!!!) I hate the mental part. I hate all of it really but, the mental part is the worst (oops okay got distracted moving on). I feel like a Damsel in distress, I don't want to feel that way. My entire life has been.....I have to be strong, take care of myself, don't ask for help for anything.....and now I have had to ask for help, it makes me feel weak and I hate that feeling. Lately, I have been thinking I am not the Damsel, I am the Knight but, I have lost my armor and I got kicked off my jackass and it stuck it's tongue out at me as it ran away. I have been left vulnerable, weak, scared, hopeless. tired, and stranded (dang donkey anyway). In this journey I have to find my armor piece by piece the tattoo is one piece, my healthcare team is another piece (if I can find the right combo I really hate firing people), having support (for me that is a really hard one I feel like I only have one) is a very weak piece but, it is part of my armor nonetheless. My armor is not complete and may never be complete it is dented, full of holes and dull but, it's mine.  I will continue on my way. I may lose pieces of my armor and get thrown off my noble steed (who am I kidding I will always have a jackass I would love a nice stallion though) again and again but, in time I will get back up and try again. I am not perfect I do not want to be BUT, (and this is a really big one) I DON'T want to stay where I am at. I may take 2 steps forward and 1000 steps back but (not so big this time), when I take the next 2 steps I will only be 998 steps behind.....hopefully when I am 1000 steps back I can remember that 998 is better than 1000. I am human after all and probably will not remember that but, one can hope right???  Everyone's armor will be different, not one will be the same, some will have better armor and some will have worse. Each life is different, each person's needs are unique only to them. There may be similarities in life, armor, situations, steeds (hey I can't be the only one stuck with a donkey can I?) but, not one exactly the same. Do I wish for a full set of shiny, protective armor? you bet, will I get it??? who knows only time will tell. In the meantime as I search for my scattered armor and I get thrown from my jackass, I may lose sight of my goals, I really hope there will be someone to help me up and remind me to dust myself off and keep moving (rolling rolling rolling.....oh never mind)........I may be a female Knight and I am okay with that because only I can change my life no one else can. I don't want to be a damsel in distress, I may be weak but, I am not helpless, I may not have all of my armor making me vulnerable to the dragons life throws at me but, as long as my donkey comes back and I can move forward I really think I will be okay......because I say so not Mr. Personality because he doesn't know (and I thought he knew everything).......

That's my thought for the day,

Crazy for Christmas